The Pizza Hut Cone Crust Pizza: A Pinwheel of Cholesterol
Choice.
Can you think of another word that more epitomizes modern American life? It is at the core of freedom: the power to decide for one’s self. And as time goes by and technology improves, we are offered ever more variety and choices. The Internet lays an entire world of choices at our feet.
I can choose which version of Total Recall I want to experience: book, original movie, remake of the original movie that’s more like the book, novelization of the remake that’s really just the original book with extra product placement. And once the remake hits home video I can choose to watch or read any of them and they will be delivered to me on my couch in approximately 30 seconds.
You do not get to choose the number of breasts, however. Three breasts has been determined to be the optimal number.
Dozens of different kinds of phones, seasonal varieties of beer — we even choose our fast food restaurants based on political affiliation now. There’s just more choice everywhere. When I was in high school, there were two flavors of Doritos; last time I was at the grocery store, there were approximately 700 million.
In the Harry Potter books, J.K. Rowling wrote about magic jelly beans that came in every flavor you could possibly imagine, including terrible ones, and those things fucking exist in the real world now! You can eat a jelly bean that tastes like vomit.
You do NOT want to try the Robin Williams flavored bean. It tastes of hair, cocaine, and a career long past its prime.
Now, innovation in foodstuffs is all well and good. After all, what would French cuisine be if someone hadn’t tried to see what kind of crazy shit they could do with an egg? But there is a point beyond which a meal can go from an inspiring work of art to one of Ronald McDonald’s fever dreams. This modern necessity to constantly come up with the next new thing has lead us to an uncanny valley of food, if you will, and folks, Yum Brand Foods lives in a hole in the ground 50 miles beneath the bottom of that valley.
You may not know the parent company of Yum Brand Foods, but you know its Honey Boo Boos: Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. These are of course the restaurants responsible for the Double Down (two fried chicken breasts with cheese and sauce in the middle), the Doritos Taco (a taco shell made out of Doritos and filled with diarrhea fuel), and the newest addition to their menu of war crimes: The Cone Crust Pizza
Yup, that’s a pizza rimmed with 12 pizza cones each filled with cream cheese, honey mustard chicken, or both. That thing looks like a Shuriken of saturated fat. The worst part about it is that now that I know it exists, I want it in my mouth.
“Oh gross — that’s disgusting Fred, you’re gross.” I FUCKING KNOW!!! Two days ago I never would have dreamed that I’d actually consider eating a pizza covered in 12 ice cream scoops of cream cheese, but now that someone made it, I can’t get the damn thing out of my mind!
And it doesn’t stop there! As it turns out, this pizza is a product of Pizza Hut Middle East, the same branch of the company that recently released the Cheeseburger Pizza which, you guessed it, has 12 mini cheeseburgers baked into the crust.
It is apparently the height of hilarity in Saudi Arabia to attempt to order something in a restaurant that they are not known for having on the menu, and this has happened so many times that Pizza Hut has finally said, “OK, fuck you! Here’s your goddamn hamburger pizza, now deal with the consequences! I hope you can sleep at night!”
Why, people of Saudi Arabia? Why have you declared a jihad on my colon?!
I honestly can’t wrap my head around the fact that this originated in the Middle East, mostly because I can’t imagine this coming from anywhere other than Larry the Cable Guy’s personal chef. Mark my words, this smacks of a foreign plot to covertly increase the number of fatal heart attacks in this country.
But then again, Pizza Hut is an American company. Could this be a means of making every other nation on Earth as obese as we are to even the odds in World War III? If so, they’ve got their work cut out for them.
Quick, someone inject that burger with twice as much cheese, wrap it in pizza dough, deep fry it, and serve it with a side of rendered back bacon soaked in Miracle Whip!
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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