Why Are People So Annoying?
If you’re like me, you sit atop your glowing crystal perch all day wearing a snowy owl costume, smoking the ground bones of field mice, wondering, “Why am I so much better than everyone?”
“What? You’re the weird one.”
As it turns out, many Act Classy readers also feel that they’re superior to their fellow men and women, because they were awfully quick to reply on Facebook when we asked, “Why are people so annoying?” Shame on you, Classy fans. Shame on you. You deserve to be spanked.
This is very old porn. I dare you to masturbate to this.
Really, though, whether they’re in your family, a casual acquaintance or a coworker, some people seem to have a gift for being obnoxious. Unfortunately, these people never know how annoying they are, and most of them have incredibly high opinions of themselves. They might think they’re charming or funny when, in fact, they make people around them want to escape by any means necessary.
“Can someone please press the popcorn button?”
By the way, if you’re from New Jersey, you can stop reading now. You probably won’t understand what’s annoying about any of the items listed below. Why? Oh, no reason, it’s just that… well… you know how cigarette smoke doesn’t really bother smokers? By that same token, annoying behavior doesn’t really bother… New Jersey.
I’m sorry, New Jersey. I don’t mean to promote stereotypes. I know that only 87 percent of you are like this. The other 13 percent are in the Mafia.
Before I alienate readers from any other state, please allow me to present our list of the most annoying things people do, as culled from comments on the Act Classy Facebook page.
Using the bathroom while talking on a cell phone
When I lived in New York, I worked for the worst woman in existence (think Devil Wears Prada minus the expensive clothes, talent, achievement, prestige, intelligence, respect from her peers… maybe it would be easier to just say she was a bitch). Just down the hall in my building was a major magazine’s office, and the editor at said magazine was a tiny little prick who liked to engage in phone meetings while using the restroom. To this day, I can’t read the publication without thinking that most of the content was approved while this guy was holding his naked penis.
To make matters better for the person on the other end of the phone but much worse for everyone who had to share a bathroom with this guy, he never flushed or washed his hands. I assumed he didn’t want the party on the call to know he was a disgusting piece of shit, so when I caught him on the phone, I made sure to flush, cough, make fart sounds (sometimes with my butt), and run every sink in the bathroom.
Here he is with actress Connie Britton:
“Connie, I can only talk to people when my penis is in my hand or there is poop traveling through my rectum. Lucky for you, both those things are happening right now.”
Adjusting one’s balls in public
Some people might assume that only women get annoyed when a guy adjusts his balls in public. Those people are likely public ball adjusters.
Honestly, I am a guy with a fully intact set of male reproductive devices, and unless you have something horrible going on in your pants (i.e., crabs, herpes, Don Knotts), there is no reason to be constantly shifting things around. Buy some powder or a more supportive pair of underwear and get on with your life.
By the way, if the above Don Knotts reference made any sense to you, you might be one of the 3 percent of people who suffer from a rare disorder known as genital Knotts. Call your doctor immediately before your penis starts wearing a neck scarf and accusing you of being straight.
Channing Tatum is the celebrity spokesperson for the genital Knotts medication Fife Away.
Breathing/existing
The person who wrote this one on our wall probably just moved to Jersey and needed to vent.
Playing the same Il Divo album on repeat assuring that I hear their rendition of Don’t Cry for Me Argentina at least twice daily for the past four years
Well, that is pretty specific. Do you mean this song?
Somewhere someone’s office computer just had its screen shattered with a tape dispenser. Serves you right for making me aware of Il Divo’s existence.
Rooting around for earwax and investigating the “crop” during conversation
By “crop,” I assume you mean the wax that was pulled from the ear. And yes, this is a horrible activity in which to engage in a public forum. I once knew a guy who would dig in his ears with his keys. Who does that?
Except you, Bumblebee. Your ear is an ignition. You don’t count.
It’s bad enough to dig around in your ear, nose or…other hole, but there is no need to look at the result. What are you looking for? Brain cancer? Can you see cancer in a booger?
“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Two words: hot tuna
I’m going to assume you are referring to some sort of sex act here, and I have to imagine it would be fairly annoying. Hold on while I look this up on Urban Dictionary.
WHY DID I DO THAT?!!
What annoys you? Surely you elitist pricks have a lot of pet peeves. Leave your examples in the comments below!
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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