Weekly News Flash: Paul Ryan, Everyone’s Perfect Choice

The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.

The biggest news of the political world this weekend was the naming of the Republican candidate for Vice President. On Saturday morning, presumptive presidential nominee Mitt Romney chose Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan to share the ticket this November. Reaction from both sides if the political isle was swift.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: We have no pictures of Paul Ryan shirtless here. Apparently that's a big search trend on Google right now. Way to go, America.]

Republicans: Paul Ryan is the Perfect Pick!

Ryan has based his entire political career on ending social programs by partially privatizing Social Security, turning Medicare into a voucher system. He would also ban all abortions even in the cases of rape and incest.

He wants to cut the tax rate that the richest Americans pay and slash services that benefit the poor and middle class like welfare and Obamacare.

He is obsessed with Ayn Rand and her views that the vast majority of people are mooching off the genius and hard work of others, and that these “producers” should just stop producing until they are given everything they want.

Former Pennsylvania Senator (and recent Republican Presidential hopeful) Rick Santorum said of Ryan, “[He] is an outstanding choice as our country’s next vice president, and today’s announcement demonstrates Governor Romney’s commitment to returning fiscal sanity back to Washington, D.C.”

Democrats: Paul Ryan is the Perfect Pick!

Ryan has based his entire political career on ending social programs by partially privatizing Social Security, turning Medicare into a voucher system, and would like to ban all abortions even in the cases of rape and incest.

He wants to cut the tax rate that the richest Americans pay and slash services that benefit the poor and middle class like welfare and Obamacare.

He is obsessed with Ayn Rand and her views that the vast majority of people are mooching off the genius and hard work of others, and that the “producers” should just stop producing until they are given everything they want.

According to McClatchydc.com, the chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Rep. Steve Israel said, “Now with Congressman Ryan on the ticket, House Republicans face the one thing they hoped to avoid: a national debate on their budget that puts millionaires first and Medicare and the middle class last.”

So at the very least, the two dominant political parties in the U.S. now have something they can agree on: Paul Ryan is pretty ripped.

Paul Ryan (right) and his “workout partner,” who he met on Craigslist.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: No, that doesn't count. He isn't shirtless.]

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Tags: Election 2012, featured, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan

About the Author

Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.