Weekly News Flash: GOP GALA GANKED BY GALE!

The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.

Tonight’s scheduled start of the Republican National Convention is being tentatively postponed until tomorrow evening due to the onrushing tropical storm Isaac. A state of emergency has been declared for most of Florida and the Tampa Bay area where the event was to have taken place, therefore, under orders from the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan, the GOP has taken precautions and called for a rain delay.

In 2008, with Hurricane Gustav bearing down on the golf coast, the Republicans delayed that convention’s opening ceremonies, canceling scheduled appearances from Dick Cheney and George W. Bush, marking the first and only time that administration made a good decision about a hurricane. I guess after 2008 someone said, “You know, that hurricane was awesome — I just wish we could’ve been closer! Quick, name a city in Florida!”

Of course, as the religious right has taught us, God only sends massive, deadly weather events as punishment for some specific sin. After Hurricane Katrina, we found out that it was because of gays, abortions, and “the drunkenness of men and semi-nudity of women at the annual Mardi Gras celebration.”

That leaves this reporter asking the question, “What has the Republican Party done to make God so darned angry?”

Republican officials had no comment when confronted with the irony that they were being attacked by a giant, rainbow-colored penis.

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Tags: featured, GOP Convention 2012, News

About the Author

Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.