Weekly News Flash: Congressman Todd Akin, Least Classy Person Alive

The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.

On Sunday, Rep. Todd Akin (R-Missouri) defended his stance that victims of rape should be denied access to abortions by order of the government by claiming that pregnancies resulting from “legitimate rape” are virtually unheard of.

“From what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist.”

The congressman, who obviously doesn’t see the government forcing someone into a lifelong commitment of raising a child conceived in a moment of violent assault who is a constant reminder of the most horrible moment of your life as punishment, was immediately denounced by Republicans and Democrats alike. I, for one, am heartened that members of both parties can reach across the aisle to call Todd Akin an idiot.

Presumptive Republican Nominee for President Mitt Romney told National Review Online, “Congressman’s Akin comments on rape are insulting, inexcusable, and, frankly, wrong.” It must be noted, however, that Mr. Romney’s Vice Presidential pick, Paul Ryan, co-sponsored a Fetal Personhood Bill along with Mr. Akin and 62 other House Republicans that would have compelled rape victims to carry any resulting pregnancy to term. In an appearance on the Mike Huckabee Show this past November Romney said that he would “absolutely” support a Personhood amendment to state constitutions.

Usually we pepper our news flashes with a few more jokes, but honestly there’s not much funny about such crazy, unsupported, divorced-from-reality thinking as this. Nothing except for Todd Akin’s hair. It is time, sir, that you admit to the nation that your beliefs are based out of ignorance, hate, and stupidity and far time to admit to yourself that you are bald.

If only he could comb-over being a moron.

About the Author

Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.