Published on August 6th, 2012 | by Fred Betzner0
Weekly GOOD News Flash
If you, like me, spend at least part of your time making jokes about the news on the Internet and a tragic event takes place in the last news cycle, it is often difficult to find things to make fun of comfortably.
In these incidences of national sorrow–such as the one we are now in–I like to focus on a few stories that are genuinely good and inspiring. I do not do this to make light of the events in Wisconsin over the weekend, I do this because it is sad and not funny.
So instead, I shall accentuate the positive. Fun time happy time go time fun time go!
Girl gains super strength, pulls car off of father
We’ve all heard of people pressed into life or death situations who momentarily seem to have the strength of 1,000 sharks and 600 zebras, but it doesn’t happen all that often.
But it happened just this last week in Virginia when Lauren Kornacki saw her father pinned under a vehicle and–whether through rush of adrenaline or an activation of her latent mutant powers–found the strength to lift the car off of her father, and had the presence of mind to administer CPR.
According to ABC News, “Mr. Kornacki is being treated for five fractured ribs, a fractured sternum and vertebrae. He has also lost some feeling in his right arm, but is expected to regain full use in a couple of months…”
That is car flippin’ awesome. We wish Mr. Kornacki a speedy recovery. Can we please get this girl some sort of special gold medal? Huh, Olympics? A gold medal for car flipping?
Obnoxious person blatantly flouts the rules of society, forced to apologize in airplane full of people
Rules of Being A Person number one: The Golden Rule. “Do unto others,” etc. If you don’t know it by heart, look it up, and then do it. Promptly apply to stuff you say on Facebook.
Rules of Being A Person number two: Don’t cut in line.
You know what everybody hates? Line jumpers. Literally everyone they walk past hates them with no reserve. I am not talking about people in wheelchairs or walkers — I’m talking about the person who arrives, sees a long line, says to themselves, “I hate standing in line more than any of these other people, nuts to this shit,” and then proceeds to cut in front of people who are patiently waiting their turn.
I know this hate, because it used to happen to me every single day in high school. And I guarantee it has happened to every single person who is (or is not) reading this right now…probably even the people who have done the cutting. As an adult, it happens in traffic, and I hate every single one of you.
People who cut in line are the reason the word “dick” was invented.
How is this good news? Well, I tend to think that a vivid demonstration of karma is always good news.
This kid cut in line at the airport. Ergo, he’s a douchebag. The video of his punishment speaks for itself.
Well, folks, I’ll be back to normal next week making fun of people who I feel deserve it. Until then, if you’ve got your own feel-good news story, please post it in the comments section below.