Todd Akin And His Super Science-y Cronies: Whom (Or What) To Blame
Representative Todd Akin of Missouri, you have shown uncommon bravery in the face of uncommon buffonery. So many people, had they explicitly asserted that women’s bodies have ways of “shutting it down” so as not to become pregnant during “legitimate rape,” would have slithered into obscurity. But you. You, sir…
*slow clap*
YOU are standing tall, refusing calls to step down coming fast and furious from your GOP brethren and leaders. YOU are pressing on, refusing to abandon your beloved home state of Missouri. YOU say we can “get this done.” I agree. I mean, assuming “This” means setting women back 300 gajillion years.
Fun Fact: I learned math at the same place Todd Akin took sex ed.
What can I add to the maelstrom of incredulity over how any sane person, regardless of political affiliation, could think that “rape” gets a qualifier? What could I possibly say to Republican Representative Steve King, who chimed in yesterday that he’d never heard of a child becoming pregnant from an act of incest?
In his defense, this is the guy who sold him his hearing aid.
What can I say to non-Republicans, like U.K. Parliamentarian George Galloway, who thought it was a good time to leap into the Julian Assange fray and say the incident alleged by two Swedish women sounded like bad manners, not rape?
Naw, it’s cool. Just take my copy, George.
I can say what no one expects me to say. It’s not your fault. I’ve gazed into my magical uterus I’ve been led by my seeing-eye uterus. I’ve shaken my 8-Uterus and asked it, “Why are these men such ignoramuses?” My uteruses like to work together…
If you stare into any one of my many uteruses, you turn to stone AND grow up to marry Billie from “Days of Our Lives.”
…and we’ve actually concluded that there’s a whole host of factors and people to blame for the Akins and Kings and Galloways of the world.
(And the Ryans. No one has forgotten the “forcible” you tried to legislate as a prefix to rape, sir.)
- Public Libraries: If public libraries weren’t so buckwildcrazy about getting their precious books back within 60 days, Todd Akin would have had time to finish Deenie, Are You Their God, It’s Me Margaret?, Forever…the whole Judy Blume canon. Had he been been given ample time to make it past chapter three of any one of these books he would know that masturbation does not cause scoliosis, that his period really will come some day, and how sex works.
- Bath and Body Works: Todd Akin was born in 1947. Bath and Body Works, reliable purveyor of Freesia-scented nightmares, wasn’t born until 1990. Where was a blue collar boy supposed to produce hand sanitizer? And without it, who could blame him for missing school the day they taught biology? Or ethics? Or the Golden Rule? Or how not to victim-blame?
- Video games: We blame the video and online gaming industry for so many of society’s ills. I blame them for not having the design chops to release a game that appeals to guys who are obsessed with controlling body parts that don’t belong to them. Vagina Warrior. Hey! That’s My Uterus, I Was Here First. Cooter Shooter. Back Alley Butcher Billy 2. In one minute, I invented four games. Four games that, had we released them on Coleco Vision, would’ve made an addict out of Akin and kept him out of Congress.
Surely you remember the “rape is rape” level.
- Dick Wolf’s Parents: If Dick Wolf’s parents had moved just a little faster, little Dicky could have been pimping Law & Order: Tomfoolery Unit during the Golden Age of radio. Soon it would be on every day, at every hour. He would have had to have learned something. Even before L&O: SVU, the franchise was selling rape drama in between episodes about the Russian mob.
- The Liberal Mainstream Media: For not better leveraging their power over arch Conservative wackadoodles with disproportionate concerns about my girl cave. You know which soundbytes Hannity is going to choose…would it kill you to embed subliminal messages to educate the Akins of the world? Y’know…ones about science and lady bits and such?
- Hypnotists: As much attention as Todd Akin is getting, King isn’t his only sympathizer. And, frankly, many who were insistent that he withdraw his bid for the Senate (a call he ignored on August 21) are only doing so because Akin embarrassed them, not necessarily because they have super-enlightened, woman-friendly, un-rape-y ideals. There are more Akins out there…and at some point they’ll be stuck in an airport, chowing down at the VFW, etc. Where are you, hypnotist entertainers of the 1960s Catskill Mountains? Why aren’t you still doing a set at the airport Hilton? Why aren’t you packing ‘em in at the Knights of Columbus? You could be hypnotizing the leaders of the GOP war on women AND YET YOU DID NOTHING.
“You are getting less rape-y…”
There you have it, Representative Akin (and pals). I know that you will leverage this invaluable and super-scientific information to your benefit. Because you’re really good at that.
About the Author
Molly Martin Professor Darla Von Classypants is actually Molly G. Martin. Because Ann Landers and Dear Abby and Dear Prudence haven't used real names in 67 years so why should she? And if you're thinking this reminds you of an old Dave Barry schtick: when you grow up and get your own blog, THEN you can have opinions.
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