Pop Culture

Published on August 23rd, 2012 | by Jive Turkey

5

Show Me That Asshat Again: A Celebration of Kirk Cameron

If you, like me, grew up in the 80s and 90s, then you have seen your fair share of celebrities from your youth take a nosedive from their acid-washed pedestal of pop culture adoration.

Oh, little Andy Keaton! I’ve always suspected that a childhood rich in bowl cuts leads to nothing but trouble.

But when it comes to disturbing celebrity transformations, there is none more disturbing than what has happened to Kirk Cameron over the years.

OK, ALMOST none. Now, shoo, Lisa Turtle! I’m trying to make a point!

In case you haven’t noticed the occasional appearance of Kirk Cameron’s name in the news over the past several years, brace yourself. This isn’t going to be a post about some ironically cool washed-up actor thing he’s into, like celebrity boxing or marrying Megan Fox, this is much, much more sinister. You see, Kirk Cameron has gone from plucky teen dream Mike Seaver to the world’s most gigantic fucking idiot.

Unnatural? Like a sitcom featuring a secondary character named BONER?! Don’t even come up in here with that shit, son.

Oh, but it gets better when you read his words in context: “I think that it’s — it’s — it’s unnatural. I think that it’s — it’s detrimental, and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.”

Listen, Kirk: if the foundations of civilization could be shook by something as simple as how people get off, we never would’ve made it this far. (Also, ten bucks says Kirk unloads into a hollowed out honeydew on the reg I JUST KNOW IT, I AM NEVER WRONG ABOUT THESE THINGS.)

Her name is Maggie Seaver and SHE’S A LADY.

Now that I’ve given you that horrific mental image, let’s pause here for a bit of clarification: Look — Kirk has every right to his [horrendous, toxic, backwards] opinion, and I normally wouldn’t give a shit either way. Know why I do give a shit? Because he somehow gets his crazy ass on the news with this bullshit, which only perpetuates the homophobic ignorance that ruins lives and, frankly, wastes our fucking time.

So, how did Kirk Cameron go from Mike Seaver to Dude Who Is All Obsessed With How People He’s Never Met Are Living Their Lives Even Though It Affects Him In Exactly Zero Ways? Well, let me quickly bring you up to speed: Kirk tells us via his own website that he was an atheist in his early teen years before having a revelation “in [his] sports car,” like so many of us do. Then he became a born again Christian evangelist, which — fine, awesome, good on ya’, etc., except that he proceeded to make his spiritual business a part of everyone else’s business (e.g. getting actress Julie McCullough fired from Growing Pains because she had posed for Playboy in the past and therefore deserved to be shamed by the almighty Kirk) and that’s where shit stops being cool and starts being self-righteous, insufferable, and all-around motherfucking tiresome.

After his days casting out whores from the set of Growing Pains were over, Kirk married actress (and erstwhile co-star) Chelsea Noble, and amassed a family of six children. 

“Chelsea, don’t tell her what she can and can’t do with her body. Leave that to me and Todd Akin, who I recently came out to support because MAN, I am just THE WORST.”

Kirk also set about building a ministry that includes TV shows, touring events, camps for sick children, and–recently–documentaries (more on that later). You can read all about it on his website, which has a special section devoted to “Seaver Fever.” I’ll wait here while you finish dry heaving.

Wouldn’t this be more aptly named “Seaver I’mma-Tell-You-Who-Can-And-Cannot-Touch-Your-Beaver Fever”? I think so.

What else? Well, he participated in this enlightening video, in which he and some other fucking sack-for-brains try to prove the existence of God with a banana–or, as they like to call bananas, “an atheist’s nightmare.” Enjoy:

Guys. Did your heads explode yet? Sorry about that. Here — have a video of Tom Hardy winning a modeling competition in 1998 to cleanse the palate.

Mmmm. That’s more like it.

Delving back to Kirk’s foray in the world of documentaries, he released his very first effort, Monumental, earlier this year. Here’s the poster:

Pretty dramatic, huh? I’m really glad they were able to tweak the original image into a final product that more accurately represents the film. What they started out with was pretty grim:

How embarrassing. He was TOTALLY overdressed for Pride Week!

Monumental is, simply put, Christian revisionist history coupled with a rallying cry to revitalize the “Christian heritage” of the United States. Here — I’ll let Kirk tell you in his own words:

…America’s forefathers had faith in the God of the Bible which was the very core of their liberty…. The bottom line is we have so enjoyed sitting in the shade of the trees planted by our forefathers that we have gotten lazy, we’re sitting under the tree, enjoying the shade, and we’re not planting their seed with our children…

WHOA WHOA WHOA WITH YOUR PLANTING SEEDS TALK. Not on Act Classy, mister. Gross.

Problem is, the “Christian heritage” that Kirk applies to the Founding Fathers in Monumental doesn’t exist. Most of the Founding Fathers were deists (DOH!) who didn’t believe in the Bible (OOPS!), and many of these same men drafted and signed the Treaty with Tripoli in 1796 which states that the U.S. is “not in any sense founded on the Christian religion” (*SAD TROMBONE*).

MIKE FEAVER, YOU JUFT GOT FERVED.

It was during his current promotional tour for Monumental that Kirk decided to open his big trap to show his support for Todd Akin, because…well, WHY NOT. If you’re going to do something (be a monumental shitdick), do it well (support other monumental shitdicks).

Thus ends our tribute to career jerk and professional I-believe-something-so-everybody-else-has-to-er Kirk Cameron. Sorry I ruined your day. If it’s any consolation, I have a sneaking suspicion that one day Kirk will come bursting out of the closet and begin to use his touring circuit to promote the release of his salacious Growing Pains fanfic.

“…and then I spread Boner’s supple cheeks apart like this…”

P.S. In case you were wondering, his sister is a dipshit too.

You’re now officially worse than Kimmie Gibler.

Tags: featured, growing pains, Kirk Cameron, Todd Akin

About the Author

Jive Turkey Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.

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