Shark Week 2012: Let’s Salute The Rejects
Now that the stupid Olympics are over, the world can concentrate on what’s really important: Shark Week 2012. This week, the Discovery Channel is celebrating the 25th anniversary of its increasingly popular series of programming dedicated to sharks doing horrifying things like jumping 15 feet out of the water to devour seals.
With a name like Seal, you have no business being in the ocean during Shark Week. C’mon.
One of the many ways the Discovery Channel is observing Shark Week 2012 is with one of the scariest online photo applications ever created: Shark Yourself. Simply upload your photo, add a few fins, gills, and teeth, et voilà! Nightmares for the rest of your life.
Look, it’s me as a shark:
Look, it’s Paul Ryan as a shark:
Look, it’s Mama from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo as a shark:
Shark-gasm … and now I’m sick.
In addition to cool online tools and games, Discovery will also present an incredible lineup of shows featuring a wide variety of sharks — but only the most terrifying underwater predators are Shark Week material. Some sharks simply didn’t make the cut, and Act Classy would like to take a moment to honor the rejects.
Albino Cyclops Shark: One-Eyed Monster of the Deep
That is one happy dick.
An extremely rare albino cyclops shark was discovered last year in Mexico, proving once and for all that God gets high. What makes the story even more horrific is that the shark was just a fetus. Enrique Lucero León caught a pregnant dusky shark, and when he cut her open, he discovered Cy-Shark and nine normal babies.
Presumably, León is now locked away in an asylum being treated for night terrors.
Frilled Shark: A Living Fossil That We Should Kill Immediately
Are you there, God? It’s me, Brad. You made a horrible mistake.
The frilled shark, which gets its name from its frilly gills, is rarely seen because it swims thousands of feet below the ocean’s surface. One was spotted at Japan’s Awashima Marine Park in 2007, though, and was immediately captured. It died hours after it was caught.
Nice. Science, you’re a real bitch sometimes, you know that?
Blobfish: Not A Shark
First of all, Blobfish, you aren’t even a shark, so why are you even entering Shark Week 2012 tryouts? Second of all, what the fuck are you? Seriously, you look like a Zoloft ball.
“I’d cry after sex if I had sex parts.”
Jabberjaw: Anthropomorphic Copyright Infringement
Jabberjaw is a huge air-breathing shark that walked around uttering stolen catchphrases like Rodney Dangerfield’s “I get no respect.”
Why is no one running away screaming right now?
The show, which aired on ABC in the 1970s, featured a horrible laugh track and a group of teenagers ripped directly from Scooby-Doo and other cartoons from that era.
It must have been so easy to create a cartoon in the 70s. Here, I’ll create three concepts right now:
- A talking hat solves mysteries with the help of teenagers.
- A talking banana solves mysteries with the help of teenagers.
- A talking sweater solves mysteries with the help of teenagers.
Just add teenagers, and this is 1970s Saturday morning gold.
Hammerhead Shark: Nature’s Hypochondriac
The Discovery Channel was going to feature the hammerhead shark, but his sinuses are acting up and he’s afraid he might be coming down with a cold. Also, his back hurts, and he thinks he feels a lump on one of his fins.
Also, did you know that hammerhead sharks can get a sun tan? This is not a joke. As if hammerhead sharks needed something else to solidify their position as the worst animal on the planet.
“I’ll come to the beach with you if you promise not to make fun of me for leaving my t-shirt on.”
Are you excited about Shark Week 2012? What animals do you think are the weirdest in existence, shark or otherwise? Let us know in the comments!
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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