Published on August 16th, 2012 | by Jive Turkey0
RoundTable Thursday: Jennifer Aniston’s Impending Heartache….With Bonus Bum Tattoos!
And now, our nomination as the next vice-president of the United Sites of Internetlandia: RoundTableThursday!
JOE: Jennifer Aniston, America’s most beloved lonely ultra-celebrity is engaged! This, of course, will not last long. You are Justin Theroux, Aniston’s fiancé. How do you let her down easy?
BRAD: Wait. Justin Theroux is the dinosaur professor with the monkey, right? Or is he the assistant she hires because she thinks he’s cute, and then she ends up dating him even though she thinks he’s too young?
FRED: If I were him I’d stage an overly elaborate, David Lynch-ian series of events carefully orchestrated to make her believe that the life she’s been living since Bruce Almighty is a dream brought about by some expired Dramamine.
JASON: I would make her break up with me, so she feels like she’s the one in control. I would say, “I’m so happy with you, baby. You really get me. You don’t judge me, and you love me no matter what I do.” And she’d be all, “Of course, there’s nothing you could do that would change the way I feel about you.” And then I’d be like, “That’s so great! Because every time your mother comes to visit, I fart directly into her pillow–like, bare ass to pillow cover–and you still love me, and I love you for that.” And then she’d probably go smell the pillows in the guest room, and know that I mean business, and begin crafting her exit strategy.
BRAD: But then her mom would be attracted to your scent, and you’d have to deal with that problem.
JASON: That is not a problem.
JIVE TURKEY: I plan to let Jen down easily by doing what everyone in the whole wide world seems to want for her: getting her good and pregnant. Then I’ll be like it’s not mine, and then she’ll be like what do you mean, I’ve only been with you, and I’ll be like yeah OK then maybe it’s another Jesus LOL BYE.
JOE: You are all kind and gentle soon-to-be-ex Aniston lovers. Personally, I’d do nothing but talk about how terrible the Leprechaun movies are and how everyone in them should never act again. Then I’d push her to the ground and run.
JASON: It has to be from television? Because, I mean…
JIVE TURKEY:The entire cast of ‘Father Dowling Mysteries’ on my asscheek. I’ll never need birth control again.
BRAD: I just ejaculated three times thinking about that. Your plan is invalid.
JASON: Aha, but where did it GO, Brad? The plan works!
BRAD: I’d totally get the Pine Sol lady on my butt. She’s a TV icon, right? Here’s a picture of her, just to refresh your memories.
JOE: She’ll be preserved in the Smithsonian next to Archie Bunker’s Chair.
Me? I’ll go with the final scene from Seinfeld. At first you’re full of excitement at the thought of seeing my butt, but then it just ends in disappointment.
JIVE TURKEY: You do what you usually do: take a lawn chair to the local gymnastics training facility and spend the next seven hours leering at the gymnasts. CHEERING. I meant cheering.
BRAD: I plan on staging my own version of the Olympics next week. You’re all welcome to come watch as I attempt to complete every event of the London games.
Instead of the Olympics, I’m calling it That Time My Heart Exploded When I Tried To Swim A Lap.
FRED: I am planning ahead to the next Winter Olympics by building a two man luge track in my backyard. All I need to do is figure out how to line a cardboard trough with ice in August.
JOE: Well, I guess that means I can spend my time writing Fred and Brad’s eulogies…
That’s it for another edition of RoundTable Thursday, but that doesn’t mean the party has to end. Please to be continuing the discussion about any of our topics in the comments below!