RoundTable Thursday, August 9, 2012: The Mars Rover Curiosity
There was a blogger had a dog, RoundTable was his name-o! R! O! U-N-D TABLE! R! O! U-N-D TABLE! R! O! U-N-D TABLE! And RoundTable was his name-o!
JOE: WE LANDED ON MARS! Well, we didn’t, but a robot did! WOOOOOO! What do you hope the Mars rover Curiosity discovers first?
BRAD: The clitoris. AMIRITE GUYS?
“Chirp, chirp.”
FRED: Last time I was there I’m pretty sure left my phone charger behind. So, like, if it could just keep an eye out — or a $65,000,000 HD Camera out as the case may be — that’d be really cool. Only if it gets a chance. I think it was somewhere around Arsai Mons, but again, no big deal.
JASON: The remains of NASA’s secret reconnaissance droid, Bi-Curiosity.
“Meep, moop. Let’s find some Mars water, you fuckin’ SLUTS! Moop, meep.”
KDIDDY: My Kuato.
JIVE TURKEY: Some unspeakably horrible things that it won’t tell anyone about (Curiosity graduated from Penn State).
JOE: Whelp, so much for NASA getting to any bowl games this year.
Personally, I hope Curiosity stumbles upon the mysterious crater that produces those delicious candy bars.
SECOND TOPIC! Here Comes Honey Boo Boo premiered yesterday to the horror of all and the delight of none.
You are now a member of this awful family. What is your name, nickname, and what do you bring to the table as far as dysfunction goes?
KDIDDY: Name: DarleneBob, Nickname: Sugar Tits, Talent: Meth making, for when the Go-Go Juice runs out
BRAD: Name: FrankieFrank, Nickname: Creamy Bunt, Dysfunction: I like to tongue kiss the cats.
FRED: Name: Jim-Ted “The Stew” Stewart, Nickname: Stew-Bob “The Ted” Thadbert, Dysfunction: Selling my bodily fluids so I can afford other bodily fluids
JIVE TURKEY: Name: Moon Pie Unit Zappa, Nickname: Fanta, Dysfunction-turned-party-trick: Liver failure on command
JASON: Name: Tyler Jarrett, Nickname: Gutfucker, Dysfunction: Narcoleptic school bus driver
JOE: Name: Geechwell Mudbutt, Nickname: Einstein, Dysfunction: Makes moonshine out of cleaning products and cleaning products out of fluids he finds in landfills. Smartest man in town because of his total number of fingers (7).
FINAL TOPIC! You’ve just placed fourth in your Olympic event. You’re still better than everyone else in the world at your sport except for these 3 other jerks. Please design the appropriate medal/trophy for an Olympic finisher and deliver your words of wisdom and acceptance upon receiving it.
JIVE TURKEY: Every fourth-placer at the Olympics needs one thing to soothe the pain of not medaling: 20 seconds of unfettered access to a live mic. Right before all those gold, silver, and bronze assholes do their podium thing, the 4th placer gets to stand in front of a live stadium and television audience and say whatever they want (I strongly suggest “FOURTH PLACE, MOTHERFUCKERS!” or “ALL YOU BITCHES TAKE MY SHOTS!”* … something of that ilk) before–and this is required–loudly dropping the mic on the floor and walking away with both middle fingers extended high in the air for all to see. Now if THAT doesn’t make you feel better about winning fourth place, nothing will.
*copyright Ben Roethlisberger
JASON: The Handy (cast in aluminum)
For those times when three other guys get there first.
BRAD: The golden food stamp.
“It is truly an honor to receive this golden food stamp. Since I have trained for nothing but jousting since birth and have disregarded any form of education, I have no other skill but jousting. I am trying to find a job as a private security guard, but so far I’ve had no luck. No one will buy me an ostrich.”
One guy offered to buy me this, but it’s just not the same.
JOE: I’m going to immediately petition the International Olympic Committee to add jousting to the next Olympic games.
Me? I’m going with a giant foam novelty sombrero that says “PARTICIPANT.” They’ll be unique since they only go to fourth place finishers and people will want to hang out with you because you clearly–by your choice of hat–like to party.
That’s it for another edition of RoundTable Thursday, but that doesn’t mean the party has to end. Please to be continuing the discussion about any of our topics in the comments below!
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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