RoundTable Thursday, August 30, 2012: Expendable Ghillies and Annoying Coworkers
The RoundTable National Convention will come to order!
JOE: FIRST TOPIC!!! A cross section of Act Classy writers got together and saw The Expendables 2 this past weekend. The film is doing so well, pretty much every movie from this point forward will be some variation of The Expendables if the Hollywood trades are to be believed. I pose the following to you: Pitch your own version of The Expendables in a different film genre. I’ll get you started. Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Kenneth Branagh, and Hugh Laurie play a pack of charming British gentlemen who can’t seem to find the lass of their dreams. They are The Befuddleables.
Colin! You have to wait 30 minutes after you eat before befuddling!
BRAD: The Expensables. A film about the greatest write-off in U.S. tax history starring a collection of Hollywood powerhouses who have all portrayed IRS agents, including…well…um…
Seriously guys, William Christopher and Tony Randall. How can this not be a hit?
{burns The Expensables script}
JIVE TURKEY: The Uncrustables: A grainy snuff film shot via supermarket security camera, in which people who dare to remove boxes of Smucker’s Uncrustables from the freezer aisle for purchase are immediately stabbed to death, because HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO MAKE A GODDAMN PB&J FOR YOUR KID AND THEN CUT THE CRUST OFF, YOU LAZY SACK OF SHIT.
If you tilt your head and squint, it looks like a screaming Pac-Man hemorrhaging from the mouth. BON APPETIT.
FRED: The Inunderstandables, starring Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarz…well, actually, almost everyone from The Expendables plus that guy from Fargo, Bruce Springsteen, the ghost of Kurt Cobain, and Bob Dylan. I’d tell you what it was about, but I really couldn’t make out 90% of what they said.
The RoundTable respectfully submits that Sylvester Stallone’s mother be included in the film. Ain’t no way she’s making sharp consonant sounds with those lips.
KDIDDY: The FUN-da-Middleists: a fun-loving group of religious extremists who use snacks that resemble emerging dookie….fuuucck I was thinking really hard about this and then I realized that the suffix doesn’t match. Gonna go self-immolate now.
JIVE TURKEY: NOT SO FAST! I’m not letting that idea die without making sure everyone has had their appetites ruined by the Pooping Cupcake:
Two cakes, one cup.
JASON: The Dependables, starring Betty White, Dick Van Dyke, Clint Eastwood, Judi Dench and Al Pacino (who is 70, by the way). Basically a remake of Cocoon, except the pool scenes are stolen shot-for-shot from Rocky Horror.
SPOILER ALERT: Dick’s a bottom.
JOE: {Pours bleach on brain while thinking about The Dependables}
JIVE TURKEY: I’d take advantage of the exposure of reality TV to ensure my hoax was successful: Step one: Buy Bigfoot costume. Step two: Slowly assimilate self into cast of Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. Step three: Experience disappointment when no one notices.
KDIDDY: Reenact Harry and the Hendersons. Duh.
JASON:
1. Retain the services of a wolf child.
2. Build a 1/3 scale model forest.
3. Film wolfie running around the model forest.
4. Get wrecked on bloody marys.
…Team Jacob?
BRAD: As a response, I have cobbled together a few CNN.com comments, as these people are truly our best and brightest:
BACK TO THE ROUNDTABLE!
JOE: I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
BRAD: Ask him to put on a Ghillie suit and help you with your Bigfoot hoax?
JIVE TURKEY: This is what you mean by Ghillie suit, right?
FRED: The human brain can only withstand listening to “Karma Chameleon” for so long before turning on itself and fleeing through the ears. The number of repetitions is different for everyone, so you first need to determine your own limit, condition yourself to extend that limit, and then use it, Joe. Use it to break him.
“Like YOU’RE so great. Whatever.”
JOE: Now that’s a solid plan. Let me see if I can do this.
BRAD: Shoulda’ gone with the Ghillie suit.About the Author
Jive Turkey Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.
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