RoundTable Thursday, August 2nd, 2012: Olympics Lessons and Expendable Prizes
RoundTable Thursday. Because you’re still trying to figure out what the hell happened at the Opening Ceremonies.
The Gold Medal Match in the 400 meter Poppins relay.
JOE LYONS: FIRST TOPIC!!! The Olympics have taken over everyone’s lives. So far, I have learned that Olympic fencers scream like a bunch of lunatics after every point, Michael Phelps thought time spent in Subway in between Olympics was just as good as time spent in a pool, and that the U.S. Men’s gymnastics team knows how to crap all over a pommel horse instead of actually winning. What have you learned?
JASON BERNARD: I’ve learned that USA Gymnastics’ definition of “women” is as loose as mine.
{smooths eyebrows}
MOLLY MARTIN: I learned that it’s hard to judge diving when no one rips their face open on the board on the way down. That’s an obvious 5.
It’s a 3 and a 1/2 derp with a twist.
FRED BETZNER: I’ve learned that I’m conflicted over my disappointment that some of the female beach volleyball players were wearing long-sleeve shirts, and liberal guilt that I’m not outraged at the sexist swimsuits worn by the rest.
BRAD STEPHENSON: I’ve learned that water polo is as close to pornography as can be broadcast on network television.
KDIDDY: Like Fred, I’ve learned that I am very confused when there aren’t bikinis involved in women’s beach volleyball, but am too embarrassed to ask the Internet about it. Instead, I come up with my own theories:
“Maybe it’s really cold there right now.”
“Maybe there’s some religious thing that I missed about the UK and they can’t have bikinis.”
“Maybe this is a special event. ‘Women’s Clothed Beach Volleyball.’”
Well, now I’m only HALF interested in this sport…
JIVE TURKEY: I’ve learned to accept the fact that I dread my child becoming some sort of crazy-gifted Olympic athlete, because ain’t no way I’m craning myself out of bed at 4am every morning for 12 years to drive my daughter to the training facility of her Romanian gymnastics coach just so she can win a gold medal and not get her period until age 27. Apparently, my love is conditional. Sorry, kid.
MOLLY KARRASCH: I’ve learned there’s still no way I’m getting more than a 30-second glance at a television and gymnastics is the coolest sport to catch 30 seconds of and fencing is the WORST sport to catch 30 seconds of because it’s .4 seconds of fencing and then seven seconds of one of the fencers acting like a pompous dick in a bee keeper outfit.
I’M THE GREATEST FENCER IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THIS TIME SLOT TODAY!!!
JOE LYONS: So the moral is that when we assemble all of the world’s jocks in one location every four years, we shouldn’t be surprised by how d-baggy it can be. Diamond flag grills and all…
Dignified.
JOE LYONS: SECOND TOPIC! Expendables 2 is coming out soon and–being children of the 80s and 90s–we should all be thrilled. THRILLED! However, this movie, starring every action movie star that ever lived regardless of current age, doesn’t have a subtitle yet! We can fix it! So it’s Expendables 2:______
Fill in the gap after the colon…that didn’t sound right…
JIVE TURKEY: Well, Joe, I believe you just did my work for me: Expendables 2: Colon-Adjacent Gap Filling
BRAD STEPHENSON: Expendables 2: Rambinator Hardcrank
Whatever they call it, there won’t be enough Channing Tatum.
JASON BERNARD: Expendables 2: Raiders of the Lost AARP.
KDIDDY: Expendables 2: Just In Case the Meryl Streep/Tommy Lee Jones Middle-Aged-People-Learning-How-to-Do-It-Again Movie Hasn’t Pushed You To Suicide.
FRED BETZNER: Expendables 2: Just like Cocoon but with guns and more Benefiber.
ALL DA ALIENS GONNA DO DA DENNEHY!!!
BRAD STEPHENSON: By the way, is anyone else seriously hoping for a hardcore penetration sequence in that Tommy Lee/Meryl movie?
JASON BERNARD: That’s gotta be like forcing a raw Uncle Charley’s sausage into a vintage wallet.
DO. NOT. WANT.
JOE LYONS: Damn it, Jason… NOBODY ELSE ANSWER THAT! It will only encourage him.
Besides, the only “hardcore penetration” those two are capable of at that age is peeling an orange without having a crippling arthritis attack in their thumbs.
Also, Expendables 2: DO YOU WANT TO SEE PICTURES OF MY GRANDKIDS, WAITRESS AT DENNY’S?
We’re all pumped for Bingo Wednesday.
JOE LYONS: FINAL TOPIC! Claw machines are rigged. Upon discovering this, in your blind rage, you just go ahead and smash the glass. What do you grab before the man at the pizza place calls the cops?
KDIDDY: Uniqua. And you will hear me roar, “ALL YOUR BACKYARDIGANS ARE BELONG TO ME!”
Now this is a thing I want to look at before I go to sleep.
FRED BETZNER: What’s the hardest thing to grab? Balls. You grab all the balls you can and then you run!
MOLLY MARTIN: Is Meryl Streep’s lady-wallet still up for grabs?
Oh, and a black market Magenta from Blues Clues, the kind with the eyes set too far apart and a hastily translated label that reads: “The Pink Have Fun Dog From Cobalt Mystery Hooray.”
JOE LYONS: Lemme check on the lady-wallet.
{moves lobster harmonica}
Yep.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Imma’ grab a fistful of hepatitis. Let’s face it: that’s all you get from those dirty machine toys.
JIVE TURKEY: I’m grabbing the claw itself and hauling ass to Mexico, where I will find a doctor willing to replace my hand with it. Get ready for some surprisingly limp robot handy-jays, fellas!
So THAT’S what that’s supposed to be…
JOE LYONS: Me? I’m grabbing the Homies figurines. Just the Homies. Annnnnnd, that wraps up this edition of RoundTable Thursday! What about you? Olympics? Expendables? Claw machine prizes? Leave your answers to all of our questions in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
Related Posts
My God, What Have We Done: The Best Of Act Classy 2012 →
RoundTable Thursday, January 10, 2012: Resolutions, White House Sharts, and Bieber Intervention →
Debt Ceiling News: Republicans Apparently Unclear on The Way Money Works →
Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Brent Musburger Loves the Ladies! →
-
http://www.facebook.com/glemley Ginny Lemley
-
SuzyQuzey
