RoundTable Thursday, August 23, 2012: Facebook Stock And Nickelvigne
In cases of legitimate RoundTable Thursday, laughter is 40% less likely.
JOE: FIRST TOPIC!!! What am I going to do with all of this Facebook stock?
BRAD: Make Facebook soup, of course!
Zuckerberg, you taste so good.
JIVE TURKEY: I actually have the recipe for Facebook Soup:
- 3c relatives who reveal themselves as racist fuckwits
- 2c sidebar ads to become a social worker
- 1c horrible photos of yourself that people tag you in because they are clearly hoping you self-harm
- 2 tbsp having the good sense to block your parents and your coworkers
- 3 tsp bitching about Timeline like an entitled first-world assmunch
- dash of “CLICK LIKE IF YOU HATE CANCER” that I will never click because I hate those posts more than cancer because FACEBOOK HAS TURNED ME INTO A COMPLETE ASSHOLE.
FRED: If I were you I’d give them to Greece. You’ll right their struggling economy, be hailed as a saviour, crowned king of all the Grecian Isles, case after case of Ouzo will be drunk in your honor, and the streets of Athens will be lined with the shards of broken plates. Just make sure you skip town before they come-to the next morning and realize that Facebook is worth less than Zach Galifianakis’ facial hair.
KDIDDY: Violate their privacy.
JASON: Sell it and invest in AOL.
“See, you can be on his face, Shirley can work the dildo, I’ll just remove my dentures and…”
MOLLY M.: Sit on a stack of stock certificates outside of Whole Foods and reminisce with a bunch of frat boys.
Or, you know, what Brad said. Everyone loves soup.
JOE: You know what? Screw it. I’m just going to use all of this useless stock as scratch paper so I can doodle out my ideal MySpace page design.
SECOND ISSUE! People on Chinese beaches are wearing terrifying “Facekinis” in order to protect themselves from sunburn. It basically looks like a terrorist beach party. Please give me your idea commercial pitch for a Facekini commercial.
BRAD: Well, I’d immediately hire the Tanorexic Mom as my spokesperson.
All my poops look like her.
MOLLY M.: *muffled reply*
JIVE TURKEY: I was going to to an image search on the “Facekini,” but there is no way the actual thing will look better than what I’m imagining in my head, which is a bunch of people with bikini bottoms wrapped around their head, perv style. The beach in my head just got a lot more interesting, folks.
To be fair, she farts out of her head.
KDIDDY: “Want to be mistaken for Batman while on vacation?”
FRED: “Mandatory Government Issued Face Covering. It not only prevents sunburn, it also keeps you out of prison.”
Facekini: All the fun, none of the not looking like a sexual predator.
JOE: That’s a good one, but I already get mistaken for Batman everywhere I go because I behave like this EVERY DAY:
Personally, my Facekini jingle would go:
Fun in the sun!
But burns are the pits!
So let’s all play like some terrorists!
FINAL TOPIC!!! So Avril Lavigne and the guy from Nickelback are engaged. This is one of the most Canadian things to happen ever. What grim portents to you foresee from this coupling?
KDIDDY: They release a duet. *shudder*
JIVE TURKEY: They are fruitful and multiply, creating an entire race of children who drain the world’s reserves of black eyeliner and ensure the future of shit music. On the bright side, it gives us a lot of material to make fun of on the Internet.
BRAD: I’ve been to the future, and I know that their offspring will form a family band called “Waterfowl Transistor Hymen” that will lead to the downfall of society as we know it.
JOE: Like a reverse Wyld Stallyns?
BRAD: Exactly. But what I am most concerned about is what we’re going to call this couple. Nickelvigne? Avrilback? Nickvril Backvigne?
MOLLY M.: I tried a Reverse Wyld Stallyn once. Didn’t care for it. Nope. Notatall.
BRAD: I enjoyed it. You should have leaned back more.
Well, I’ve disgusted myself. Thanks, everyone!
{pukes}
FRED: Isn’t puking the opening move for an Inverted Stallyn?
JOE: Good night, everybody!
BRAD: Contribute to any of our topics (or add your own) in the comments below! Now please excuse me while I register FacekiniBook.com.
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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