Published on August 23rd, 2012 | by Brad Stephenson2
RoundTable Thursday, August 23, 2012: Facebook Stock And Nickelvigne
In cases of legitimate RoundTable Thursday, laughter is 40% less likely.
- 3c relatives who reveal themselves as racist fuckwits
- 2c sidebar ads to become a social worker
- 1c horrible photos of yourself that people tag you in because they are clearly hoping you self-harm
- 2 tbsp having the good sense to block your parents and your coworkers
- 3 tsp bitching about Timeline like an entitled first-world assmunch
- dash of “CLICK LIKE IF YOU HATE CANCER” that I will never click because I hate those posts more than cancer because FACEBOOK HAS TURNED ME INTO A COMPLETE ASSHOLE.
FRED: If I were you I’d give them to Greece. You’ll right their struggling economy, be hailed as a saviour, crowned king of all the Grecian Isles, case after case of Ouzo will be drunk in your honor, and the streets of Athens will be lined with the shards of broken plates. Just make sure you skip town before they come-to the next morning and realize that Facebook is worth less than Zach Galifianakis’ facial hair.
Or, you know, what Brad said. Everyone loves soup.
SECOND ISSUE! People on Chinese beaches are wearing terrifying “Facekinis” in order to protect themselves from sunburn. It basically looks like a terrorist beach party. Please give me your idea commercial pitch for a Facekini commercial.
JIVE TURKEY: I was going to to an image search on the “Facekini,” but there is no way the actual thing will look better than what I’m imagining in my head, which is a bunch of people with bikini bottoms wrapped around their head, perv style. The beach in my head just got a lot more interesting, folks.
Personally, my Facekini jingle would go:
Fun in the sun!
But burns are the pits!
So let’s all play like some terrorists!
FINAL TOPIC!!! So Avril Lavigne and the guy from Nickelback are engaged. This is one of the most Canadian things to happen ever. What grim portents to you foresee from this coupling?
JIVE TURKEY: They are fruitful and multiply, creating an entire race of children who drain the world’s reserves of black eyeliner and ensure the future of shit music. On the bright side, it gives us a lot of material to make fun of on the Internet.
Well, I’ve disgusted myself. Thanks, everyone!