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Published on August 8th, 2012 | by Jive Turkey

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Power to the People! How to Stage Your Very Own Achingly Lame Protest

 Hey, everyone! Are we sick of talking about Chick-fil-A yet?

NO HOMO

Yeah, I had a feeling. After two solid weeks of Facebook mud-slinging with casual acquaintances and distant relatives about the ramifications of buying fried food off some fuckstick and therefore supporting his fuckstick agenda of telling everyone where they can put their privates BECAUSE JESUS SAID SO/OK ACTUALLY HE DIDN’T BUT I’LL ASSUME HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE IF HE HADN’T BEEN SO BUSY MAKING A BIG DEAL ABOUT LOVING AND ACCEPTING EVERYONE AND JUNK SO PLEASE STOP COCK-BLOCKING MY HATE, YOU GUYS.

And don’t even get me started on that chicken sandwich guy, bro.

Right. So let’s move on, shall we…to our next target.

See, in this modern world we live in, there are so very many more opportunities to protest a business or organization; this Chick-fil-A debacle was just a mere taste of the statements we can make via the products and services we consume on the reg! Our appetite for boycotts has been reawakened, and there’s no end to the powerful messages we can send by refusing to give our hard-earned money to companies whose philosophies clash with our own. Now is the time to educate yourself about where your dollars are going, and to stage an embarrassingly ineffective protest to demonstrate your outrage. And because every movement needs a champion, I give you…THIS GUY:

Meet…this guy. I don’t know what his name is, all I know is that he’s mad as hell at Cheerios and he’s not going to take it anymore! Mr. This Guy is the star of a YouTube video that documents his uber-lame “protest” against General Mills for their support of same-sex marriage. Because the video is not embeddable (and because  This Guy’s completely ineffectual (and hilarious) Burning of the Honey-Nut Cheerios ends in giggles from the camera man), I am inclined to believe this whole thing is fake, but NO MATTER! The bar for pathetic protests has been set! And I am here to get you started on your very own.

  • Proctor & Gamble. Did you know that Proctor & Gamble’s “Hope Schools” project gives children in poverty-stricken areas of China better access to education and even vision care? BULLSHIT. You may have spent $5 on Metamucil with the pure intention of dropping a most overdue load, but what you didn’t intend to do is HELP IMPOVERISHED CHILDREN SEE AND READ AND STUFF FOREIGNERS.  Well, it’s time to fight back: Grab a canister of Pringles and a couple jugs of Sunny Delight, because it’s time to bomb P&G headquarters with some Sunny D Molotov cocktails. What are the Pringles for? Disguise, you silly. Security cameras will never be able to capture your identity when you don your duck-billed disguise.

Real patriots go for the Milk Dud eyes.

  • Frito Lay. Friends, did you know that, in 2011, Frito Lay staged an event in Times Square that raised $200,000 for the Big Brothers, Big Sisters organization? And did you know that they hired one Sir Nick Lachey to host it? That’s right–every time you plunk 85 cents in the office vending machine for a bag of Fritos (and the subsequent very greasy self-loathing), your money is helping Nick Lachey get work. NOT COOL, FRITO LAY. Now, this one’s gonna hurt, because Frito Lay’s snacks are so damn delicious, but–as the bumper sticker on your annoying, self-righteous neighbor’s car says–if you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for everything. Whatever that means. Look: we just have to find a way to make Frito Lay snacks unappealing so people will stop buying them, OK? And I think I have just the trick: Frito Lay Nude Suit. Allow me to illustrate:

Not pictured: Rold Gold pretzel rods. But trust me — they’re there.

  • Kellogg’s. In 2005, Kellogg’s began a partnership with the nonprofit “Girls on the Run” to promote healthy and active lifestyles for girls ages 8-13. Um, excuse me? Did Kellogg’s carry my child for nine months? Did Kellogg’s give birth to her? Did Kellogg’s get up every two hours to breastfeed my newborn daughter? Actually, that last one is a sincere question. I don’t remember a whole lot from that time.

Ah. I stand corrected.

My point is, where does Kellogg’s get off telling me how active our daughters should be when they’re the self-same outfit that aggressively markets Corn Pops and Apple Jacks to them? I see a simple way to get our message across: host a 5k for a little darlings and provide a hearty, six-bowl minimum on the mandatory carb-loading cereal breakfast that will take place 15 minutes before the race begins. The finish line? In the Kellogg’s employee break room. I think they’ll change their tune about kids exercising when they have to sidestep a fresh pile of the Froot Poops to get to the water cooler.

“Just follow your nose OH GOD WHAT IS THAT?!”

Well, that should be enough to get you started, Internet. Let me know how it goes in the comments below!

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About the Author

Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.


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