Welcome to the Future Will.i.am

Published on August 29th, 2012 | by Jive Turkey

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NASA, I Am Disappoint: Mars Curiosity Rover Broadcasts Will.i.am in Space

So, how about that Curiosity rover, huh? From its highly celebrated landing to the captivating images it has already transmitted back to Earth, Curiosity is pretty much the best thing the human race has going for it right now.

I rest my case. In a tanning bed full of Smirnoff Ice.

However, it seems that NASA was feeling a little insecure about its massive achievement and decided the whole joint needed a little souping up, because on Friday they announced that will.i.am’s newest single, “Reach For The Stars,” would be beamed from the rover to Earth on August 28th.

Because landing a rover on another planet 60 million miles away is only cool if you add a Lego hat.

This is all apparently part of an event to promote science education, which…OK, fine, I can’t argue with that. NASA also revealed that “Reach For The Stars” is a celebration of will.i.am’s “passion for science, technology, and space exploration.”

…and LED jackets that make him look like a Friday Night Lights scoreboard.

So it’s apparent that what we have here is a little publicity stunt under the guise of promoting education (it will indeed be a proud day for Mr. i.am when the NASA scientists of the future name their discoveries in his honor — what an exhilarating moment it will be when we all get a first glimpse of the My Humps Nebula!), and that is not offensive in and of itself. What bothers me is the ramifications of releasing will.i.am’s music into space. Sure, some sources claim the song will be merely beamed down to Earth from the rover, not actually blasted from the boom box that I’m certain that Curiosity has for a chest…

(This IS Curiosity, right?)

…but my half-assed Internet research also seems to indicate that the song will be played through Curiosity’s speakers, and, therefore, audible to whatever life forms happen to be chilling nearby. Because my five-minute Google search also confirmed that sound can travel on Mars, albeit not very far and at a lower pitch than on Earth. This can only mean one thing: aliens will hear our weird, warped, low-pitch will.i.am music and immediately assume we’re a bunch of YOLO-ing douchebags.

COME AT ME, BROVER!

And no offense to will.i.am (j/k, plenty of offense to will.i.am), but with all of the beautiful music that has been (and is still being) created by mankind, why did NASA choose a song with a title stolen from yearbook theme to be the first track played on Mars? I thought you guys were supposed to be smart!

Oh, well. I suppose will.i.am is better than any of the alternative Peas.

In space, no one can hear you muss your shorts.

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About the Author

Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.


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