Furby is Coming Back! Here Are Some FAQs
We here at the Act Classy Consumer Protection Labs are constantly concerned about your safety. Our reasons are twofold: One, we are devoted to public safety. If our readers are safe then they’ll keep reading our nonsense, which brings in literally ones of dollars in ad revenue. Two, we get to test all sorts of potentially dangerous crap that we then get to keep provided it doesn’t kill us first.
Former Act Classy kid reporter, Dougie Finkleman. May he rest in peace…wherever it was that he landed…
So, this week we were delighted with the news that Hasbro is bringing Furby back to completely perplex an entirely new generation of youngsters and people who buy things ironically. You remember Furby, don’t you? Little fuzzy thing from the late 90s. Chattered incessantly in its own language as it “learned” the things you taught it. Usually ended up broken and unrecognizable as you feverishly tried to dig out the damn thing’s batteries. Well, get ready, because kids this Christmas are going to want it all over again. Here’s the new Furby promo from Hasbro:
Well, we just received a test model at the Act Classy Consumer Protection Labs and have been putting it through numerous extensive tests to gauge how safe it is to give to your screaming, snotty offspring. We’ve played with it. Our kids have played with it. We even left it alone in the street, just to see what would happen. Typically when we get a product, the company in question asks for either a thumbs up or thumbs down, but we’re torn. We had a tremendous amount of fun playing with the new Furby, but it’s not without its safety issues. So we’d like to propose some additions to the toy’s FAQs, so that it can still be out on shelves in time for the holiday season while still warning moms and dads about potential issues. Act Classy cares…but not enough to delay cool toys.
I’m a $40 nightmare you choose to bring into your home!
Our additions to Furby’s FAQs are as follows:
After an extended amount of time petting Furby, I’ve developed a rash. Is this normal?
Of course it is. On Furby Island, where your new Furby comes from, there are all sorts of exciting plants, animals, and ecosystems that are beyond our imagining. This means that Furby is chock full of all sorts of natural danders and excretions that medical science has not yet been able to properly identify. If you can read this, it means your eyes have not yet swollen shut and your rash should go away in the one-hour-to-four-day range. If you are reading this on behalf of a loved one, please re-read the Freedom from Liability contract you entered into the moment you purchased Furby, located on the bottom of his packaging.
My natural oils are a moisturizer…a horribly smelly moisturizer…
I love Furby, but he keeps calling my child a motherf*&#er. Can I turn that off?
Your Furby is adept at speaking his very own language, Furbish. It’s an intricate language that we’re still trying to figure out ourselves. While Furby will eventually learn to speak our language, he’s probably not saying “motherf&*$er. “Mo-der-duk-mur” is Furbish for “please stop touching me there,” so you may want to keep a closer watch on your son or daughter. Now, if you hear Furby say “Me-moo-pee,” then he’s definitely calling your child a motherf&%^er.
I’m just calling it like I see it.
Where’s the godforsaken ‘OFF’ button?!
Furby is your newest friend! You can’t find an OFF button on your normal friends, can you? Unless you’re only friends with robots, then of course the answer is “no.” Furby activates the second he falls in love with you, which coincides exactly with the moment you pay money to buy him. Furby does come with an optional sleepy-time switch–which causes to Furby to snore adorably with his air horn lungs–but that’s as close to “off” as Furby ever gets! HE’S FUN!
Just try to turn me off. Make sure you try it with a finger you won’t miss.
Why is it constantly murdering drifters?
“Boo-boo-no-no,” which is Furbish for the American Hobo, is a Furby’s natural enemy/primary source of food aside from the fun burgers you can feed Furby from our free app. The real question is why is your family constantly around drifters?
I eat bodies, but only so I can get at their souls.
It’s pooping. Why is it doing that? What is it pooping?
Furbys, like any of nature’s creatures, have a digestive system. After eating virtual yummy treats or the occasional hobo, Furbys process nutrients just like you and me. Furby’s waste contains methylenedioxypyrovalerone, a common ingredient in crack-addict strength bath salts. So, just like real poop, don’t put it in your mouth, silly!
I ate my own face.
Can I shower with Furby?
No, you may not, Act Classy Staff Writer Fred Betzner.
Not Fred Betzner, but a reasonable facsimile thereof.
We hope that helps with some of your Furby-based woes and worries. Got any other concerns you have about the upcoming re-release of Furby? Leave your thoughts in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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