Published on August 17th, 2012 | by Fred Betzner1
Juggalos Are People Too!
In the world of mentally unbalanced clown-themed rap music, no act inspires the kind of rabid loyalty exhibited by fans of the Insane Clown Posse. Those who love the antics of the two titular Insane Clowns, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, call themselves Juggalos, and many have found in this community a place where like-minded outcasts can feel included. Where they can find a family.
When I see a group of Juggalos, I see a mildly intimidating (because even mentally stable clowns are terrifying), but more-or-less innocuous bunch of folks who just want to have a good time and–for reasons I cannot comprehend–are really into horrible, awful music. But when the FBI sees a group of Juggalos, they see people who “exhibit gang-like behavior and engage in criminal activity in violence.”
In response, ICP is now suing the FBI to have the classification of “gang-members” stricken from their fan base. Now, I’m about to write something that has never before been uttered by anyone else on Earth, and please appreciate that it will most likely never happen again: The Insane Clown Posse has a point.
On one hand, I see where the FBI’s coming from. ICP has songs called “Carnival of Carnage,” “Guts on the Ceiling,” “Night of the Axe,” and “Psychopathic,” and that’s just on their first album! I mean, the lead clown’s name is Violent J, for Christ’s sake.
But, as The Huffington Post points out, this label of “gang member” starts getting into some really tricky legal questions. “If such a fan were to get picked up for a minor offense like a speeding ticket, ‘he’s in the gang file… Suddenly, it ain’t just somebody who fucked up, it’s a gang member that fucked up, and they’re getting a heavier sentence.’”
ICP fandom is not the same as, for instance, belonging to a hate group like the KKK. It is entirely possible to enjoy ICP’s music without being a violent gang member, but you can’t really dabble in the KKK without being a racist. They are not mutually inclusive. Do you really want to label someone as a potential violent threat just because they have a shitty taste in music?
Well, in solidarity with ICP, I wanted them to know that they are not alone. The following groups of fans, while not official gangs yet, are well on their way. Here is draft language from the next FBI report on suspect gang activity unearthed by our deep cover operatives.*
*(Read: entirely made up)
Browncoats, Fans of Firefly
Firefly has been off the air for ten years. Cancelled after it’s first season, it ran for 14 episodes on Fox in 2002. Yet from the number of vocal fans, you would think that the show had been on solidly for the past decade. So passionate were they that DVD sales were successful enough to warrant a movie, Serenity. But seriously…you guys know there are other shows, right? Even ones set in space?
They have a fanatic devotion to their cause (a delusion that the show could actually come back on the air), and will ferociously leap to its defense whenever even a vague criticism is voiced. Also, they may or may not be affiliated with the Hitler paramilitary group The Brownshirts. Probably not, but I refuse to watch the show to find out if there is another explanation.
Bronies, Adult Male Fans of My Little Pony: Friendship is Forever
These men–possibly high on Ecstasy, PCP, or a combination of the two called Pixie Styx–are obsessed with a pony-themed cartoon aimed at five-year-old girls, and it is inconceivable that they do not have more on their minds than a pony-themed cartoon aimed at five-year-old girls.
Approach with caution! Loose clothing may conceal hard plastic shivs made from Twilight Sparkle toys. (Twilight Sparkle is the name of one of the unicorn characters on the show who hail from the unicorn tribe and live in the area of Canterlot, have the ability to use magic, and I’ve already lost interest in this wiki.)
Muggles, Adult Fans of Harry Potter
Indoctrinated since childhood, obsessed with the occult, and running around with pointed sticks, these devotees had their peak of organizational power with the release of the last book and film. Their public appearances quickly decreased in the past few yeas, but many are still thought to practice more privately at home. Their relative invisibility should be noted with some importance as it is believed to mask a tremendous growth in numbers.
And indeed our intelligence gathering sources tell us they are establishing a compound in Florida, which we can only assume is heavily armed with magic AK-47s and enchanted anti-tank guns. We have yet to gain access to their secret lair because we were only going to be in Florida for two days and my mom said we could do Disney World or Harry PotterVille but not both and my brother wanted to go on Space Mountain and he can scream louder than I can and so we had to go to stupid Disney World for babies and not totally awesome Harry PotterVille for awesome adults!
This is where the (made up) FBI list ends and where the diligent work of people like you begins. If you see gang activity anywhere please let us know in the comments below.