Hurricane Isaac DOs and DON’Ts
Hurricanes–along with earthquakes, tornadoes, armies of spiders, and Skrillex–are nature’s not-too-subtle reminder that she can fuck us hard pretty much anytime she wants to.
Either that, or they are God punishing us for liking gays too much. Either way, hurricanes blow pretty hard. Amiright?
I would like to take this moment to sincerely apologize. I acknowledge that I am terrible, and will take steps to correct this.
As I write this, a massive storm is approaching the city of New Orleans for the second time in seven years. I haven’t spent much time there at all, but The Big Easy holds a special place in my heart ever since a 12-year-old me saw real, live boobs there for the first time oh so many years ago.
To the people of New Orleans, I wish a safe exit from your fair city and a safe return, hopefully to find hearth and home well and intact. To aid in your evacuation, I present this compilation of mildly amusing, yet applicable, Hurricane DOs and DON’Ts to distract from the gravity of the situation.
1. DO GTFO
No one has ever looked at a weatherman standing in the middle of a category 5 storm and said “My, what a brave man!”
Seriously Al Roker WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Unless you have a dog under each arm, a legless hobo on your back, and a cage full of parakeets gripped in your teeth, you have no reason to still be there. GTFO!
2. DON’T Stop for beer
Not a safe or effective means of conveyance.
Look, I know you have to flee your homes and find shelter inland, but chances are pretty high that wherever you’re going has distilled spirits.
You have to come to terms with the fact that you can’t take most of your stuff. Grab the wedding photos, your guitar, and your ten foot bong and get the hell in your car.
If you don’t have a car, just grab the bong.
3. DON’T be fooled by the by the eye!
//Begin Crusty Old Seaman Accent
Me.
Ohhhhhhh the Hurricane, she’s a sly bitch, she is! She’s all like “hey everybody, it’s been fun, I was just swinging through for some gumbo, toodles!”
Ahhh, but she’s not done with ya’ yet, boy-o, not by a long shot. Right in the middle, right in her cold, dead heart, is an island of calm. Peaceful. Serene. But she’s a lying whore she is.
They call it an eye, chief, but that don’t come to it, it’s a giant gaping asshole and everything she ate on her way there, it’s all about to come gushing out.
Stay inside if you value your life. Stay inside if you don’t want to get washed away in her shit.
//End Crusty Old Seaman Accent
4. DON’T loot
It’s a dick move. Don’t be a dick.
5. DON’T Panic.
Excellent advice in any situation, but especially during a natural disaster. The aftermath is likely to be uglier than a Walmart on Black Friday, but right now your main goal is just to survive and help as many other people and animals to do the same.
Be like Pee Wee, grab a snake!
Follow these simple steps and, you know, also pay attention to people who know what they’re doing, and get out of there safely! Have any more advice for those fleeing Hurricane Isaac? Leave it in the comments below!
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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