Classy Advice bird-featured

Published on August 7th, 2012 | by Brad Stephenson

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How To Write A Cover Letter That Will Win You A Bird Job

First of all, if you’re here looking for pictures of birds performing sexual favors, you have misinterpreted the title of this post. Please visit our sister site, BirdsGivingSexualFavors.tv.

Here at Act Classy, we’re always looking for ways to offer completely unwelcome advice. For instance, when I stumbled across this job opening for a marketing director at the National Aviary, I couldn’t resist the urge to provide some unwanted and unneeded assistance for job seekers.

To be clear: I am not currently, nor will I ever be seeking employment. I am still rolling in residuals from my time spent as a PajamaJeans model. For the purposes of this career advice column, though, I will pretend that I need something from a bunch of birds. But please…

bird

You have nothing to offer me, dickhead.

If you are actually trying to get a job at the Aviary–or anywhere for that matter–my biggest piece of advice is to use your cover letter not as a polite means of introduction; rather, the cover letter should be a list of demands. You are holding your talent hostage, and if the Aviary wants you, they must submit to your terms.

Here is my example of how to write a cover letter for the marketing director position at the National Aviary. Feel free to copy this verbatim and use it as your own.

Dear Bird People,

It’s your lucky day.

While surfing for the weirdest pornography you could ever possibly imagine, I stumbled upon your listing for a marketing director. I am the best marketer of birds you have ever seen, and to not hire me would be like putting a Double Chested Hornbillow in the same cage as a Great Fisted Sawduck, AMIRITE?

No, the above birds are not real. Now that I can see you take birds seriously, I shall proceed.

Though I am in no way qualified for the Aviary’s marketing director position, you will definitely want to hire me. Two reasons: 1) I am handsome, and 2) I hate birds. Since you’re basically a bird jail, I assume you don’t want to hire people who actually like birds. I seriously hate birds. One time, an owl flew over my head during a free flight show and its wing brushed against my temple. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced, and I would gladly welcome death before I’d ever again sit in a roomful of untethered birds.

scary-owl

Seriously, that thing shouldn’t exist. Stare at it for a second. Can’t you feel the happiness leaving your body?

Anyway, since you obviously want to hire me, I must warn you that I have literally hundreds of other suitors. If you want me to work for you and your birds, you will need to agree to the following demands:

  1. I want to discontinue e-blasts to constituents and train seagulls to deliver all Aviary correspondence. It just makes sense.
  2. Your executive director will have an owl sitting on his/her shoulder during every board meeting and public appearance.
  3. As I mentioned, I am terrified of birds, so a kill switch will be implanted inside each and every one at the Aviary. I will carry the remote. If one of them so much as looks at me the wrong way, I hit the button and they all go down.
  4. A parrot will take dictation for me like in The Flintstones.
  5. Expanding on item #4, all talking birds will be trained to say, “It’s a living!”
  6. If a bird shits on me or on my car, I hit the button.
  7. A turkey leg will be eaten in full view of the turkeys every day as a reminder of who’s in charge.
  8. The ringer of every phone in the office will be replaced with a very loud “CA-CAWWWWWWW.”
  9. In an effort to “go green,” vultures will eat the remains of my ham sandwiches every day.
  10. The pterodactyls will no longer be allowed to breed.
  11. Every time I enter a room, I expect no less than 100 doves to be released.

There you have it, Aviary. It’s your move. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Brad P. Stephenson
Hater of Birds

PS: In lieu of a résumé, please accept this bird I drew using Microsoft Paint.

bird-drawing

Meet your new mascot, Derp the Herr Derr Bird. Birds are so dumb.

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About the Author

Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.


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  • http://twitter.com/observacious Kim Z Dale

    Your Microsoft Paint skills are impressive. I’m sure the letter must be equally impressive (I’m far to busy and important to read words). Hired!

  • http://twitter.com/abbyfewdoor Abigail Fudor

    Well god dammit. As someone who has previously applied, was interviewed, and DID NOT get a
    marketing job at the Aviary, I now see the error of my ways. And the error begins and ends with 100 doves.

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