Conspiracy Theories for Fun and Profit!
This week, professional conspiracy theorist Jerome Corsi floated the idea that President Obama is actually gay and was married to a man before marrying his current female wife in 1992. Corsi said his evidence includes pictures taken before the First Couple was married that show Obama wearing a wedding ring, and the fact that he had a male Pakistani Roommate.
Living a lie.
Corsi first rose to prominence in the 2004 presidential campaign as the author of a book that spawned an ad campaign called Swift Boat Veterans for Truth that claimed Democratic candidate John Kerry lied about stuff so he could get medals during Vietnam that he didn’t deserve. We now know the claims Corsi put forth were almost entirely false. In fact ‘Swiftboating’ is now a term in politics that means to spread false or misleading attacks against your opponent.
In addition to the gay thing, Corsi is also an outspoken Birther, 9-11 Truther, and for some reason thinks oil isn’t really all that scarce and comes from something sciency-sounding that no scientist believes. Knowing all this, it’s a wonder that anyone pays any attention to him at all, but he’s on Fox News so if the rest of the media doesn’t pick up the story–LIBERAL BIAS!!!
Anyway, all this is to say I’m jealous of all the attention he gets (frankly, I’m not writing on the Internet for my health), and since really all it takes is a blog and five spare minutes to get people to believe something you completely made up, I’m going to try to start some conspiracy theories of my own.
Obama is a Lemur. Sorry — Gay Lemur
This is his outfit for his second inauguration.
Evidence: White House expense reports detailing bulk orders of plants, grubs, and beetles (lemur food), sawdust (presumably for bedding), and FABULOUS shirts (because he’s gay).
Implications: In his second term, Obama will push hard for pro-lemur education, cross-species homosexual marriages, food stamps to cover meal-worms, and then he’ll take all of our guns, outlaw junk food, and everything else we know he’s going to do because this doesn’t cancel out any other conspiracy theories.
Romney Wants to Outlaw Jorts, Mandate Khaki
Evidence: When was the last time you saw Mitt Romney in a nice pair of jean shorts?
Oh, OK. Well, like everything else he’s ever said or done, he now believes the EXACT OPPOSITE!
Implications: The jort or jean-short–the only truly American contribution to the world of fashion–will cease to be. Jort-fueled bonfires will burn from coast to coast. Many would hail this as a great day for this country; those people are not real Americans. Those who would confine us to the most boring of slacks–the khaki–those who want our legs fully covered in the confines of a full-length pant are not our friends, they are our slave masters. JORTS4EVR!!!
Hillary Clinton Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs
Evidence: Those sunglasses are covering up a mean case of Coo-Coo Eye.
Implications: Imagine it’s 3 AM and there’s a diplomatic crisis in Qatar: Do you want your Secretary of Sate and Secret President going into screaming fits, destroying furniture, and snapping necks because she has run out of Cocoa Puffs? If the rumors are correct (and when are they not?), Mrs. Clinton has been a Stage 5 Cocoa Puffs addict since the late 80s, and her withdrawal rages are famous in Washington. Mark my words, in two years she’ll be crushing and snorting them off the chest of a lesbian lemur in the Lincoln Bedroom. There is nothing sacred to an addict.
Everybody is Keeping Secrets From Jerome Corsi.
HE’S FULL OF SEEEECRETS! No, really. He stores them in his cheeks. GASP! Jerome Corsi is a Chipmunk!
Evidence: When was the last time he was invited to a birthday party, or asked to go to lunch with everyone else in the office, or someone wished him a good morning, or made eye contact? The answer? When he was five.
Implications: Obviously everyone knows something that they don’t want Jerome Corsi to know! But Jerome Corsi knows what they don’t want him to know, and even though people try to tell Jerome Corsi that no one knows anything that he doesn’t, and that it’s just that Jerome Corsi is a paranoid mudslinger who isn’t afraid to exploit the fears of an uninformed electorate by lying in order to further is own political goals and fuel his megalomania, Jerome Corsi knows better! One day you’ll all see that Jerome Corsi was right. Because even if the evidence shows that he was wrong, the evidence is a conspiracy too!
Join the winning team! If you see a conspiracy at work, leave it in the comments section below. No proof is necessary.
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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