Classy Advice

Published on August 28th, 2012 | by Brad Stephenson

5

Club Applebee’s And Other Great Late Night Chain Ideas

Hey, we all know what to expect from Applebee’s, right? Affordable food with good friends in a fun atmosphere followed by weeks of excruciating diarrhea.

Well, Applebee’s has some news for you. If you think you know Applebee’s… think again!

Not about the diarrhea. That’s still happening.

Some Applebee’s locations across the U.S. have started to lure late-night drinkers with the promise of beverage specials, half-price appetizers and terrible dance music or karaoke. These locations have become known as Club Applebee’s because they’re less like a casual, family-friendly eatery and more like a drug-fueled rave where anything can happen. Just look at these photos, all of which were shot at a Club Applebee’s.

Like everything else at Applebee’s, that whipped cream expired months ago.

“Mmm, you taste like microwaved spinach dip!”

“I don’t know what’s worse: the machete to the throat or the wonton tacos.”

Okay, so the last image is not from a Club Applebees, but the first two reportedly were shot at one of the nightspot’s more than 50 locations in Florida and Texas. Adding “Club” to the name apparently isn’t enough, though. Many locations have adopted the name “the bees.”

“Remember when McDonald’s (MCD) used to be called Mickey D’s?” asks Becky Johnson, a senior vice president at Applebee’s in a recent Businessweek article. “That was a street slang term, people playing with the name. We found out that ‘the bee’s’ is how the kids are describing Applebee’s.”

First of all, Becky, only idiots who drink sweet tea by the bucketful call McDonald’s “Mickey D’s.” Second, by “kids,” you must mean this woman, who was photographed at a “bee’s” location for the Businessweek piece:

“Someone left the cake out in the rain… along with my clothes that aren’t pajamas, my fertile womb, and my dignity.”

Now that Applebee’s is finding success by staying open late and letting people have sex on tables that toddlers eat chicken fingers on the very next day, what are other chain establishments doing to compete? Here are a few suggestions, courtesy of Act Classy.

Things Remembered: Never, Ever Forget

Things Remembered is a popular mall chain known for engraving the horrible things people think are beautiful onto crappy silver items. If you’re getting married and need thank you gifts for your bridal party, this is the go-to place. Nothing says we’re friends right now but I’ll never see you again after this wedding like a shot glass or a cigarette lighter emblazoned with a personalized message. Take this flask I received as a groomsman a few years ago:

In hindsight, we should have warned someone.

Instead of just writing on objects, though, Things Remembered should start writing on people. A late night tattoo parlor that caters to drunk bachelors and bachelorettes would be the perfect alter ego for a place that specializes in painful memories. Brides- and grooms-to-be could even buy tattoos for their bridal party.

“Regets” is obviously another word for brains.

Bob Evans: Going Down on the Farm

According to the most recent U.S. Census data, roughly 5 million Americans are interested in bestiality, or human-animal sexual activity. We’re making those numbers up, but if you type “bestiality” into Google, there are a lot of websites making a lot of money. Also, Act Classy is on a LOT of government watch lists for Googling this shit, but we do it for you, the reader.

Bottom line, Bob… may we call you Bob? No. Okay. Bottom line, Mr. Evans: you could be hauling in some serious after hours cash here. You already have the animals. Instead of turning them all into sausage, just save a few for the late night crowd. Dress them up nice and let people have their way with them.

Oh, don’t look so shocked, Mr. Evans. This is America, right? If Chick-fil-A can support the murder of homosexuals, surely you can let a few weirdos diddle some pigs before you turn them into delicious gravy.

Oh… uh… moving on.

Chuck E. Cheese: Ball Pit Grudge Match

What do you get when you cross Chuck E. Cheese ball pits–hands down the funnest place to get ringworm–with the finest fighting roosters the world has to offer? Chuck E. Cheese Late Night Cockfights! Although I guess they should really call themselves “Charles Edward Cheese After Dark” to appeal to a more adult crowd. Think about it… those ball pits sit there empty all night, except for a few poor souls whose parents left them at the bottom to die. Just dredge those kids out of there (or leave them), add a couple angry cocks, and let the fun begin!

In a stunning turn of events, the crowd found out later that night that these cocks are brothers.

Sure, there are legal issues you’ll need to circumvent, but that’s nothing a little lawyering up can’t fix. The marketing impact will be worth the minor inconvenience of a federal hearing. Can’t you just hear the hipsters spreading the buzz already?

“Eff to the yes I want to go to the Cheese to bet on some cock!”

If you think the above ideas take things a bit too far, I encourage you to watch this video of girls night at a Club Applebee’s.

Eatin’ good in the neighborhood.

So what do you think? Good business move by Applebee’s or BEST business move by Applebee’s? What are your ideas for late night chain conversions? Leave it all in the comments below!

Tags: Applebee's, Bob Evans, Chuck E. Cheese, Club Applebee's, featured, nightlife, the bees, Things Remembered

About the Author

Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.

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