Classy Travel: Hotel and Entertainment Tips
Yesterday, we talked about what to do when confronted with a urinating shuttle driver, and how to handle your gaseous discharges at the airport.
Today, let’s explore what to do when you finally get to your destination!
Because if you CAN stay in something shaped like an upside-down vagina, why wouldn’t you?
At Your Hotel
TIP#1: The first things you want to check when you arrive at your hotel room are the sight-lines to any surrounding buildings from your window.
Leaving the window shades wide open the whole time you are there is really the most efficient way to soak in as much of the city as you can during your short stay. So you need to determine–given ideal circumstances–how many people can see you walking around naked from any given angle (eliminating clothes also aids in the soaking-in process). Whether too many or too few, if it is a number you are uncomfortable with, immediately request another room.
TIP #2: Make sure you bring a portable crime scene investigation kit with you on any excursion.
After you have sized up the viewing angles, you’ll want to immediately break out your black light and fluid sample kit.
You can expect there to be semen on practically everything. That’s never going to change. What you’re looking for is blood–specifically, concentrated amounts. If you determine that a murder, suicide, or murder/suicide has occurred in the room, it’s probably a good idea to request a room change lest you be haunted by the sad and depressed spirits of the recently departed.
This is actually pretty innocuous for hotel room semen.
TIP #3: The hotel bar is a great place to pick up people to sex with.
If you’re traveling alone to an unfamiliar city, you probably don’t really know where to go to do anything remotely fun. And while the hotel bar won’t be fun (at all), at least there’s overpriced booze.
Chances are at least 98% of the people there are also traveling alone, and if you buy them an $18 Martini, they very well might let you do sex stuff to them. I’m not advocating any sort of non-consensual coupling or encouraging adulterous behavior, but everyone knows that what happens in Dubuque, stays in Dubuque. Seriously. Even the totally legal not embarrassing stuff. No one wants to talk about Dubuque.
This is the last known instance of anyone ever recording anything about Dubuque in any sort of permanent way. In fact, when I typed ‘Dubuque‘ into this post, it auto-corrected to ‘Albuquerque.’
True story.
Things To Do
As I mentioned before, when you’re in a strange city it can be very difficult to find enjoyable pastimes for when you’re not synergizing with the folks at the corporate office, or entirely skipping out on the conference you were sent to attend.
TIP #1: Ask a local’s opinion.
No matter where you go, chances are most cities are going to have the same standard dining options. Your Applebee’s, your Chili’s, your Pizza Yurts. But you can’t get that local flavor without asking a local.
This is how you find the best chicken sushi west of the Mississip’, or the next regional delicacy waiting to turn into a big national food trend, like burnt peanut butter on toast points, or deep fried frying oil.
Trust me, just go where the smelly guy with the crazy eyes on the corner points to and screams.
TIP # 2: Pick the sketchiest building you can find and assume whatever is happening inside is underground theater!
If it’s an empty abandoned warehouse think about what the playwright is trying to say with the use of echoing footsteps and negative space. If it’s a crack-house full of crack-heads, well…if they’ve got an audience, they can start applying for crack-grants.
You may have just revived legitimate theater in whatever town you’re in!
I saw the most amazing performance of “Death of a Salesman” here! The guy playing the salesman actually got tetanus and died!
TIP #3: You’re a traveler who’s just passing through with no discernible motive, why not try murdering someone?!
[Editor's note: At the advice of our lawyer the rest of this Travel Tip has been deleted. Act Classy in no way recommends or supports murder in any way. We're even a little uncomfortable with killing time.]
Well, folks, I do hope that after reading this post you feel better equipped to handle the wide and wonderful world of recreational travel. If you don’t, well, my next post will have a few suggestions on where you can shove it. If you have any travel tips of your own, please leave them in the comments below.
Until next time, goodbye and schnitzvite!
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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