Classy Travel: Airport Tips
It’s the summertime here in the Northern Hemisphere, and if there’s one thing that screams summer, it’s deadly temperatures roasting people alive in their apartments. If there’s two things that scream summer, the second one is TRAVEL!
Do you call it “travel” if you’re fleeing from your impending death by melting?
I’m traveling this week for work and I thought I’d take this opportunity to offer you some handy traveling tips from an experienced drifter. Today we’ll explore the treacherous world of airports!
For a free ride back from the airport, walk with purpose up to this guy and just say “yes” to whatever he asks. It also helps to be mildly abusive. STAY IN CHARACTER!
The Airport Shuttle
If you don’t have a car or don’t want to pay through the face for parking at the airport, a shuttle service is a convenient and affordable option. But it can also be a strange and horrifying experience.
TIP #1: If your driver decides to pull over to the side of the road and you see him pick up an empty water bottle and then focus very intently on his lap, don’t panic, he’s probably just urinating in front of you.
The best way to handle this situation is to stare out the side window at the strip mall, abandoned steel mill, or whatever you have stopped next to and wait for the vehicle to begin moving again. If, however, you’ve stopped outside a shady auto repair shop, warehouse covered in graffiti, or Denny’s: start panicking, because you’re about to be sold into white slavery. Or, if you’re not a white woman, regular slavery.
TIP #2: Pay attention to your fellow passengers; listen to what they say and make note of it.
If Mr. Henderson from the next aisle is planning on sneaking fruit or plants back through customs and you report him to a security agent, you are more likely to curry favor with them. That way the forcible groin search performed on you will be much more pleasant.
“Screw you gravity, IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!” – Amelia Earhart
Airplanes
TIP #1: The most important thing to remember when flying: Fart Control.
The last thing you want is to be stuck on the tarmac for six hours waiting for a family of ducks to get off of the runway and accidentally let loose the internal remains of the airport breakfast burrito you ate so quickly you didn’t even taste it. Everyone is going to know it was you and then YOU’RE GOING TO BE THE ENEMY!
The only way to prevent this is a strategic build-up and release of all farts for the six hours before your flight. Start preparing two to three months prior to your trip by doing kegel exercises at least three times a day; you need to be able to sustain a clench for at least a half hour straight.
Then just before you are about to board, when you are in the scrum of passengers standing at the gate door, release the hounds. And by that, I mean fart. The source will be unidentifiable, and you will avoid dispersing the gas into the recirculated air of a pressurized airplane.
TIP #2: If your plane has wi-fi, don’t pay for that crap.
You can make it through your 45 minute flight to Toledo without checking to see if anyone ‘liked’ your oh-so-humorous observation about how since Dunkin’ Donuts sells bagels too they should call themselves Dunkin’ Things That Are Round And Have Holes In Them to be more accurate. No one has since your mom did because you asked her to. Calm down.
Well, that’s it for now fellow travelers — I have time zones to adjust to. I’ll be back tomorrow with handy tips on hotels and dining in a strange city!
This is Fred Betzner for Act Classy. We’d leave the light on for ya’, but it burnt out and the only guy on staff who’ll climb the 40-foot ladder is off until Tuesday.
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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