Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: WEREWOLVES!
It’s no mystery that there are supernatural forces all around us. The Loch Ness Monster is mere weeks from being caught. Vampires dominate both the gossip magazines and the citizens of small villages. And the U.S .Government is three weeks away from validating the documentation that will have my ex-wife officially labeled as a Sasquatch. It’s safe to say that there are mystical creatures EVERYWHERE.
Joke’s on her. Her secret boyfriend is actually a French big-game hunter. DRAMA!
But there’s one mythical creature that continues to haunt my every waking moment: WEREWOLVES. One minute they’re people, the next they’re trying to turn you into dinner. Not only that, they smell like dog, they make evenings with full moons far less romantic, and if they don’t kill you, they usually always at least mark you as their “territory.” Werewolves are jerks and need to be stopped.
This is what half of our athletes look like after spending so much time in London.
So what do you do if you’re staring down the muzzle of a werewolf who’s about to make a perfectly fun trip through the moors a whole lot more miserable? Well, that’s where Act Classy comes in. We’re always prepared for most worst-case scenarios and are currently running this website out of a bunker 14 miles below Wyoming. So, without further ado, we present to you the Top 17 Things To Do in the Event of a Werewolf Attack!
1. Make sure you’ve already got comprehensive mauling insurance.
2. Know that silver bullets work, but only if you throw them really, really hard.
3. Try to get them to put a shirt on.
4. If still in possession of your jugular, try to talk some sense into the werewolf. Perhaps find a common interest with each other, like an affinity for Klondike bars or reruns of Mama’s Family.
5. If in Kentucky, don’t fight back. Fighting a werewolf in Kentucky is considered a hate crime. Just run.
6. Always wear a t-shirt under your clothes that says “I Wuv Werewolves.” Werewolves can occasionally be softies.
7. Invest in companies that develop newer and stronger “moon annihilation” initiatives.
8. Shriek like a girl at a Beatles concert. Pray werewolf becomes disgusted with you.
I hate to be a cliche’, but I actually did eat my homework.
9. Stop washing your hair with barbeque sauce. It’s not helping your dandruff and it just makes you more savory.
10. Bite werewolf back. Hope that he can appreciate the irony.
11. Moan and gyrate while being attacked. The last thing a werewolf wants to think is that his attack is turning you on.
12. Make sure you memorize the survivalist film Monster Squad. That movie will save your life.
When in doubt, go after the nards.
13. Sing the theme to Charles in Charge in soft tones. That should put him right to sleep. Then crack the werewolf’s skull with a brick.
14. Do the running man while reciting key passages from Superfudge. I have no idea why this works.
15. Quickly threaten werewolf with legal action for compensation due to injuries suffered and any wolf babies that may result from the attack. You’ll lose the case, but pray he doesn’t know that.
16. Try to hide in a Volvo. They’re so damned safe!
17. Already be a werewolf. They rarely attack their own and you might like it. As the saying goes, “Once you go wolfman, you’ll never go back again.”
Got any other suggestions on how to fight off a werewolf? Leave them in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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