Published on August 15th, 2012 | by Joe Lyons0
Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: WEREWOLVES!
It’s no mystery that there are supernatural forces all around us. The Loch Ness Monster is mere weeks from being caught. Vampires dominate both the gossip magazines and the citizens of small villages. And the U.S .Government is three weeks away from validating the documentation that will have my ex-wife officially labeled as a Sasquatch. It’s safe to say that there are mystical creatures EVERYWHERE.
But there’s one mythical creature that continues to haunt my every waking moment: WEREWOLVES. One minute they’re people, the next they’re trying to turn you into dinner. Not only that, they smell like dog, they make evenings with full moons far less romantic, and if they don’t kill you, they usually always at least mark you as their “territory.” Werewolves are jerks and need to be stopped.
So what do you do if you’re staring down the muzzle of a werewolf who’s about to make a perfectly fun trip through the moors a whole lot more miserable? Well, that’s where Act Classy comes in. We’re always prepared for most worst-case scenarios and are currently running this website out of a bunker 14 miles below Wyoming. So, without further ado, we present to you the Top 17 Things To Do in the Event of a Werewolf Attack!
1. Make sure you’ve already got comprehensive mauling insurance.
2. Know that silver bullets work, but only if you throw them really, really hard.
3. Try to get them to put a shirt on.
4. If still in possession of your jugular, try to talk some sense into the werewolf. Perhaps find a common interest with each other, like an affinity for Klondike bars or reruns of Mama’s Family.
5. If in Kentucky, don’t fight back. Fighting a werewolf in Kentucky is considered a hate crime. Just run.
6. Always wear a t-shirt under your clothes that says “I Wuv Werewolves.” Werewolves can occasionally be softies.
7. Invest in companies that develop newer and stronger “moon annihilation” initiatives.
8. Shriek like a girl at a Beatles concert. Pray werewolf becomes disgusted with you.
9. Stop washing your hair with barbeque sauce. It’s not helping your dandruff and it just makes you more savory.
10. Bite werewolf back. Hope that he can appreciate the irony.
11. Moan and gyrate while being attacked. The last thing a werewolf wants to think is that his attack is turning you on.
12. Make sure you memorize the survivalist film Monster Squad. That movie will save your life.
13. Sing the theme to Charles in Charge in soft tones. That should put him right to sleep. Then crack the werewolf’s skull with a brick.
14. Do the running man while reciting key passages from Superfudge. I have no idea why this works.
15. Quickly threaten werewolf with legal action for compensation due to injuries suffered and any wolf babies that may result from the attack. You’ll lose the case, but pray he doesn’t know that.
16. Try to hide in a Volvo. They’re so damned safe!
17. Already be a werewolf. They rarely attack their own and you might like it. As the saying goes, “Once you go wolfman, you’ll never go back again.”
Got any other suggestions on how to fight off a werewolf? Leave them in our classy comments box below!