Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns!
We here at Act Classy consider ourselves experts on the political spectrum. We have our fingers on all of the hot button issues, we’re constantly trading information with D.C. insiders, and we spend 90% of our days walking and talking about things that are, like, CRAZY important.
Blah, blah, Sorkin. Blah, Blah, overrated. Blah, blah, or maybe I just don’t get it…
A current political firestorm that’s brewing is the issue of presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s tax returns. Traditionally, a presidential candidate releases all of his tax returns to be vetted, scrutinized, and ultimately forgotten, but Romney has made a bit of an issue out of his refusal to release his own. This refusal has led to rampant speculation on all sides – ranging from charges that he’s got millions in offshore investments, to speculation that his tax rate is obscene compared to the average American, or even that he hasn’t paid taxes at all in over 10 years. Until someone sees some hard evidence, the speculation will undoubtedly continue. I, for one, feel sorry for the Republicans on this issue. I mean, can you imagine how hard it must be to have half the country demanding that you release a personal document that doesn’t really have any bearing on your leadership abilities? It must be awful!
Poor Mitt. What he’s going through sounds so awful and unreasonable.
Anyway, unlike some in-the-know people in Washington, I REALLY have the inside info on why Romney isn’t releasing his tax returns and boy-oh-boy does he have a lot of reasons not to release these bad boys. Let’s just say I would not want to be his campaign advisor at the moment. I would release all of them, but we have scruples here at Act Classy.
{Pause for laughter}
Nah! I’m just kidding. We’re middle-class schlubs that want the Romney campaign to buy us all solid gold pants in order to keep our mouths shut. So in order to get the bribery engines running, it’s my pleasure to present to you the Top 17 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Can’t Release His Tax Returns!
1. Seven years of claiming that yachts are “educational expenses.”
2. Mormons will be upset that he listed “Voodoo Snake Handler” as his religion due to the alarming tax credits they get.
3. Claimed the Salt Lake City Olympics as a personal charitable contribution.
4. Had a moat dug around his garage so that his cars only exist in international waters.
Don’t worry. I’ve got a moat guy.
5. In 1992, Romney listed himself as 14 different pregnant women who fought in the Korean War.
6. Most of the returns from the late 80s have been rendered illegible by prostitute blood.
7. He received millions in farm subsidies for his company that grows the burlap for those giant sacks that have dollar signs on them.
8. For a six-month period, he had himself made an “enemy combatant of the U.S.” so he wouldn’t end up on any IRS lists.
9. Reported the tremendous loss he made on the orphan racing pavilion he built in Tijuana.
Damn, them parent-less suckers can run.
10. In 1982, he declared himself deceased.
11 Those off-the-cuff $10,000 bets he makes add up to a lot of gambling losses that you can claim.
12. Got a huge refund after having his enormous Uncle Scrooge swimming vault installed in his house.
13. Is constantly enrolled in a Women’s Studies course at Brigham Young in order to keep up his student loan interest.
14. Returns from 1977 –1990 were used to light cigars.
15. All of his income from 1994 was deferred to the construction of a weather machine that should–once and for all–DEFEAT THAT INFERNAL SUPERMAN!!!
And that’s why I say DRILL, BABY, DRILL…EXCLUSIVELY FOR KRYPTONITE!
16. It counts as a moving expense every time your vacation mansion has to use its gigantic robot legs to achieve your desired view of the sunset.
17. Clever loophole that states you can’t count money as money if it’s being used as wallpaper.
Devastating, ain’t they? Well, while we wait for phone calls and checks to start rolling in, why don’t you let us in on what you know? Got any other reasons why Romney can’t release his tax returns? Leave them in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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