Welcome to the Future cracked-phone.

Published on August 20th, 2012 | by Addi Twigg

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Eight Things Worse Than a Cracked Screen On Your Smartphone

In this fast-track world of ever-changing technology, there aren’t many guarantees to be had. Networks are unpredictable at best and devices can be buggier than a redneck’s bunghole. But chin up, buttercups! Amidst the chaos, there is one thing for sure you can count on. At some point during a lifetime of owning cell phones, dear reader, you gon’ break yo’ shit.

Cue the six stages of grief! (Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, hemorrhoids.)

A couple weeks ago, the screen on my HTC Thunderbolt was cracked. I use the passive voice here because ummm, I don’t know how it happened. For all I know, this occurs naturally on a cell phone’s face when it hits puberty. I mean, it had already been acting like a moody, unpredictable money pit of an asshole, so adolescence is a logical conclusion, right? On the real, I have four months to go until I can upgrade so I’m trying to make the best of this American Tragedy. After all, there are worse things that could happen! In fact, I happen to have right here a list of things that would be worse to find on your smartphone than a cracked screen. Let’s read them together and reflect on how fortunate we truly are that this is the worst of our probl… fuck it, just do it to distract me from rocking and crying.

8. Bangs

Come on, Thunderbolt, you do NOT have the bone structure for bangs! You know this. Are you forgetting the entire second grade? Let me get you a dose of reality and some bobby pins.

7. A Kardashian Because you and I both know it does not matter which one, as they are all tied for worst.

6. A Tramp Stamp

The letters may spell “Daddy’s Little Princess,” but they say so, so much more than that. Although I guess with a name like “Thunderbolt” it was inevitable that you’d end up with daddy issues and a trashy tattoo.

5. A Satellite Dish Ugh, this thing gets the WORST reception EVARRRRRRRRRRR.

4. An Embarrassing Klout Score

Klout is a website that calculates your influence on the web through your usage of social media sites like Twitter and Facebook. The only way this score can get more embarrassing is if you think that actually means anything.

3. Truck Nuts

Also known as Truck Nutz, BumperNuts, BumperBalls, Trucksticles and NO I AM NOT MAKING UP THESE ADDITIONAL NICKNAMES AS A JOKE PLEASE READ THE WIKI PAGE YOURSELF AND WEEP SOFTLY FOR AMURICA.

2. Fucking Maggots I fucking Google Image searched fucking maggots for you fucking people. But you know what? They’re still a very distant second from this last gem, which is the absolute worst thing to have on your smartphone screen…

1. The Facebook Mobile App Because let’s face it, we would rather stare at an intricate cobweb of glass shards than get our hopes up one more time that this steaming turd of an app might actually function long enough to load all those someecards and sonogram pics.

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About the Author

Addi Twigg lives at the top of a killer hill in Pittsburgh and works a boring day job that is oddly satisfying, like a half melted Snickers. She doesn't know how to take a compliment, but don't let that stop you.


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  • Joe G.

    Nice job! Thanks for sharing the Truck Nuts wiki page with the world. “Truck nuts are usually hung for humor or amusement.”

  • Steve from Pgh Punk Rock

    Bravo !

  • http://twitter.com/Dasein_only gary leach

    Your so wrong and I love you for it:)

  • http://twitter.com/rivalsanlendo Milton Compton

    i had no idea what Klout was, but on a whim i tried it. my score was 29 (i’m surprised it was in double digits and the 20s!), and it says i’m most influential on the topics of : Movies, Jewish, and Music. (i imagine “Jewish” is because of the beard and self-doubt?)

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