Weekly News Flash: Schneider’s Autism Antics and Beck’s Healthcare Hoedown
The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.
“Comedian” beloved by dozens answers question no one asked him.
Rob Schneider, super-genius Medical Doctor and star of You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, has made it known that he believes that vaccinations administered to infants lead to a higher chance of developing autism. In an interview with News 10 Sacramento, Mr. Schneider said, “The efficacy of these shots have not been proven, and the toxicity of these things — we’re having more and more side effects. We’re having more and more autism.”
While Mr. Schneider did use the word “efficacy” correctly — a real victory for him — one must take into account that he failed to conjugate the verb “have” correctly when evaluating his entirely unsupported and disproved claim.
Mr. Schneider joins Tenured Professor of Biology and Child Development at Johns Hopkins Medical School Jenny McCarthy, and head of the Center for Disease Control Jim Carrey in speaking out against early childhood vaccination. Ms. McCarthy, apparently busy taking her clothes off for money, could not be reached for comment.
Autism Expert Jenny McCarthy pictured here on the job.
Breaking News: Glenn Beck Angry About Something.
Conservative internet pundit Glenn Beck, known for his calm and rational discourse on matters of the day, does not count himself as a supporter of President Obama’s signature health care law, which was upheld as constitutional by the Supreme Court last Thursday. He is so upset by the decision that he has branded conservative Chief Justice John Roberts — who crossed ideological lines to support the law — as a “coward.”
You can tell that Beck feels deeply and passionately about the constitutional implications of this law, as well as the possible harm that might come from allowing the government to tell its citizens that they must buy a product, because he’s selling t-shirts for $30.
And no one ever tried to make money on something they didn’t believe.
According to The Huffington Post, in the same episode of his internet anger-thon in which he announced the new t-shirt, Beck “dress[ed] his co-host up as ‘Dread Pirate Roberts’ in a reference to The Princess Bride,” and rode “a horse onto the set in a parody of Braveheart.”
The parallel between William Wallace and Glenn Beck is obvious, because trying to expel an invading army from occupying your homeland and slaughtering your people is the same thing as trying to stop the government from making sure people with cancer can get health insurance.
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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