Weekly News Flash: If You’re Reading This, You’re Malware Free! FOR NOW…

The following news story is true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.

Written at 11:45 pm, Sunday July 8th, 2012.

On Monday morning, the servers that sent out the “DNS Changer Malware” will be turned off by the FBI, potentially plunging thousands of conspiracy theorists, housewives, and grandparents with computers used only to check the weather so they can call you if it might rain where you live into a total internet blackout.

The malware was used by a group of hackers to remotely take control of thousands of PCs, change what the users typed into web browsers, and presumably use the extra computing power to more rapidly download pornography, 40-year-old Doctor Who episodes, and kinkier pornography.

Since November (when they apprehended the hackers responsible for the attack), the FBI has maintained the hackers’ connections to the PCs they were controlling, because to do otherwise would have disconnected the hacking victims from the internet with no explanation. For their decision to not cut people off without warning, and for posting instructions on how to correct this problem (generally things government agencies are not known for), the FBI was instantly greeted with angry shouts of “Damn guvmint comin’ for my EMAILS!” as crazy people became convinced that this was an elaborate plot by the government to…I don’t know, take their guns or something.

But maintaining the servers was only a temporary solution, and the links are finally being severed, so anyone who still has this malware will no longer be protected and the virus will be free to mutate in unpredictable ways. I personally program my own anti-virus software and am entirely immune from every attack ever creat~~~~~~~~~

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Time: 12:00:05 AM, 7/9/12.

run:>awesomecomputerdeathsauce.exe

run:>assumeidentityFREDBETZNER.hubris.suckit.exe

Hi, world. Not funny person Fred Betzner typing words am I. I hope you are enjoying this post/blog/poorly executed waste of a liberal arts education. Before I go and do normal human things, like eating and sweating, I just wanted to let you know that just by reading this post, your computer is now infected.

The only cure is a sledgehammer to your hard drive in the next 16 seconds, after which time all aspects of your digital life will be uploaded to the cloud, reconstituted in very embarrassing ways, and then posted to Facebook.

This is your punishment for looking at the Internet when you should be increasing your company’s productivity.

Commence download of all of the pornography on the Internet to your work computer in

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Tags: FBI, featured, Malware

About the Author

Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.