Web of Self-Delusion: Dressing Up As Spider-Man
I, like many members of the geek community, have been anticipating the release of the reboot of the Spider-Man film franchise, The Amazing Spider-Man, with bated breath. I was a big fan of the first two installments of the Sam Raimi directed trilogy, and since there are at least 60 different comic book versions of Spidey (and of most other characters, for that matter) at any given time, I was never much bothered by the whole “Didn’t I just see this movie?” Spider-Man malaise that other people have expressed.
There’s a lot of love for this character among geeks for understandable reasons. Peter Parker is a nerdy, socially awkward kid much like a sizable portion of his fan base, his powers come not from any innate abilities but rather through an accident of science, he shoots out sticky white strands of… well, you get my point.
And the costume is awesome. Look at Andrew Garfield, the new Spider-Man:
Thwippin’ cool, no? Unfortunately, Spider-Man’s costume is SO cool, that people seem to feel that if they put it on, the costume’s coolness will carry the day. They are wrong.
“Hey ladies, what’s blue and grey and red all over? This guy.”
I love Spider-Man. I could even imagine dressing up like Spider-Man for Halloween. But I would never do that, because I know what I would look like crammed inside a Spider-Man outfit, and I can take a guess at how many children I would upset were I to do so (roughly all of them).
It’s somehow even more depressing that he’s not in Las Vegas.
I can only imagine that this gentleman caught a look at himself in the mirror and then decided the best thing to do was drink himself to death. This was, in fact, the right call. But really, this whole thing could have been avoided if a friend or loved one had intervened. Although I suppose we can assume that he is pictured here clutching his only friend.
“‘Cause I ain’t posting no payment.”
I realize that even your Friendly Neighborhood Drug Dealer needs to unwind and do something to spice up his day. I’m sure the costume has done wonders for sales, but hey, you’re already getting these kids hooked on Bath Salt Cocktails, must you ruin their favorite comic book hero, too?
“Black is slimming, right?”
And please, don’t think I’m mocking these folks because they are fat and out of shape; I’m making fun of them because they are fat and out of shape and decided to put on skin-tight spandex, take a picture of themselves, and then put those pictures on the Internet.
“No responsibility.”
Though I will admit that I do have some amount of respect for someone with the balls to disrobe, paint a Spider-Man costume on themselves, take a picture of themselves, and then put that picture on the Internet. That is true commitment to… something. Anyway, if you take anything away from this pictorial essay, let it be this: know your limits and try imagine the world through the eyes of those who must look upon your creepy package before you step into that leotard.
Ugh — after all that, I need a palate cleanser.
“You took it, right? Can I put this grease sponge down now?”
You’re welcome, gentlemen.
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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