Top 17 Things To Do With Your New Stump: A Fourth Of July Special
Unless you’re a dirty Communist who likes to help poor people and let gays marry, you know that tomorrow is the Fourth of July, the day we celebrate our freedom from the British by eating hot dogs and blowing shit up.
Screw you, Britain!
Statistics show that more than 97 percent of all United States citizens will lose a limb in a horrific Fourth of July fireworks accident before the age of 30. I made this statistic up, but the point is that somebody is going to lose a hand tomorrow. Now, Act Classy isn’t here to offer a bunch of lame safety tips. That isn’t how we roll. Setting off fireworks is cool, and losing a hand while trying to explode an opossum with an M-80 is even cooler.
“Hey. Hey, man. Hey. Come on.”
Sorry, opossum. All we’re saying is if you’re like the guy in the video below — and we know most of you are, which is why China is winning — you’ll need Act Classy’s very special Fourth of July list. We’ll catch up with you below after you watch this amazing video.
BOOM! I hope that wasn’t your dick hand, son.
Without further adieu, please allow me to present Act Classy’s Top 17 Things To Do With Your New Stump.
1. Become the world’s worst puppeteer.
2. When waving at people you hate, know in your head that you’re actually giving them the finger.
3. In lieu of a pickup line at bars, just turn on the vibrator you’ve had installed to replace your missing hand.
4. Change name to Hambone. It seems like a good name for someone with one hand.
5. Get Dolph Lundgren’s face tattooed on your stump. Punch people with him.
6. Cover stump with peanut butter and let dog lick it off to further disturb houseguests.
7. Attach a parrot to your stump and a hook to your shoulder. Tell everyone you’ll never rest until you track down and kill the hushpuppy that took your hand.
Golden brown. Delicious. Deadly.
8. Start Stomp-esque show called Stump.
9. Press your stump against a newspaper, and see if it picks up Garfield.
10. At the movies, ask for a bite of someone’s popcorn. Fumble around in their tub with your stump for an uncomfortably long time. Give up and yell, “Ah, forget it!” When they ask why you didn’t use your hand, just stare at them and cry a single tear.
11. Create a one-handed superhero for a comic book… that no one reads.
12. If you’re lucky and your stump resembles something awesome like a dolphin, do this:
I have the strongest urge to throw one of those plastic six-pack soda can rings over this thing’s nose.
13. Cut off other hand and get a job waiting tables.
14. Make a mockumentary about your hand’s retirement from your body to pursue a hip-hop career.
“I’m retiring from masturbating you.”
15. Recreate an episode of Stark Trek: The Next Generation featuring your stump as every character.
16. Watch Howard the Duck. This has nothing to do with your stump; it’s just the answer to everything.
17. Two words: Stump job.
Well, that’s it for this edition of Act Classy’s Top 17. Please have a safe and happy Fourth of July. Seriously, be careful with the fireworks.
“What? I thought it would be a good idea to launch a bottle rocket out of my asshole.”
Any additions to this list? Leave them in the comments below.
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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