RoundTable Thursday

Published on July 26th, 2012 | by Brad Stephenson

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RoundTable Thursday, July 26, 2012: Happy Headlines and Fake Facebook Accounts

RoundTable Thursday. Because your friends won’t talk to you anymore.

JOE LYONS: FIRST ITEM!  I, like most people, am still pretty down from the events of last week.  Please concoct the universe’s most perfect news headline that would make anyone in the world feel better about everything.  Extra credit for an accompanying image.

BRAD STEPHENSON: Topless Scarlett Johansson Rides Through Hospital On Unicorn Curing Cancer With Naked Magic

Is that a horn on your head, or are you just happy to have Scarlett Johansson straddling you?

KDIDDY: Ermahgerd: Free Cupcakes and Kitties for Life!

FRED BETZNER: Ermahgerd!

JIVE TURKEY: Sorcerer’s Spell Brings Hitler Back to Life, Sentences Him to an Eternity of Being Kevin Federline’s Sex Slave/Pastry Chef

FRED BETZNER: Plus he has a severe case of Bread Dick.

{pause}

FRED BETZNER: Oh, I thought those were twisty bread rolls; upon further inspection they are potatoes. Please strike my comment from the record.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: No matter how hard you beg, your comment can never be stricken from the RoundTable Thursday record.]

JOE LYONS: Man, you guys have covered it all!  Naked celebrities.  Cures for cancer.  World peace.  Cupcakes.  Hitler-vengeance. I feel better already!  It looks like the only thing we haven’t covered is:

GOVERNMENT FINALLY COMPLETES VOLTRON-INITIATIVE.  GIANT ROBOT ENDS ALL WARS WITH GUITAR SOLO.

SECOND TOPIC!  Kim Jong Un, North Korea’s crazy-pants leader, just got married.  What are you going to get him?

BRAD STEPHENSON: A melon-baller, of course.

I imagine he’ll use it to make fruit salad. And also to scoop the eyeballs out of people who attempt to send a tweet.

Fruit salad and eye-tinis. The perfect summer combination.

JIVE TURKEY: He seems like he might be a little–how you say?–completely fucking awful in the sex department, so I’ll give him a copy of my hour-long informational animated slideshow entitled “Where To Put It.”

That will be the perfect sequel to Jive Turkey’s first book, “Where NOT to Put It.”

KDIDDY: A KitchenAid mixer, the must-have item for all newlyweds. Comes with optional oppression and misinformation attachments.

JOE LYONS: From me, they’ll be getting a boxed set of Wings seasons 2 and 4 on DVD, a punch bowl they’ll never use, and a coupon good for one Skype call with Lisa Ling.

FINAL TOPIC!  Chick-Fil-A, in an attempt to prove that they’re not a bunch of sanctimonious bigots, set up a fake Facebook account for a fake teenager to defend Chick-Fil-A.  This, naturally, backfired.  Please submit a fake Facebook post from a fake teenager that attempts to cover up another famous scandal.

iCARLY GORDON-CYRUS: Yo, whazzup peeps! Did you guys hear about how people are saying Chiquita Banana has ties to Colombian paramilitary groups? No wayzzzzz. My friend’s dad makes bananas there and he said they give $$$ to paraplegics, not paramilitaries. HERR DERR PERR BERR

CAANDII FACEOFF: Hey everyone, just taking a break from getting hassled by my totally square mom to let you know that John Travolta is, like, totes straight and has never tried to shoehorn his gross peen into a male masseuse like EW OMGLOLLLL <3 <3 <3

E. MOORE CHIX invited you to “Hey! Any of you kids know how to Madison?” on The Facebook

ELYSE NORVONGLORVONVLOROBLORG: Hey American peoples, maybe your Muppet things should just stop their campaign of hate. I am normal everyday Swedish girl and I am here to tell you that Chef of theirs has been spouting communist propaganda for years. You all stupid mono-linguistic Americans thought it was funny gibberish, but he was talking about overthrowing government and mass extermination of Christians the whole time. Open u r I’s! – Psalms 52: 2-4; 101: 7

STEPHANIE REALPERSON: I dont unnerstan the big deal about all of this. My friends all think that maybe Archduke Francis Ferdinand maybe had wut was comin to him. Just sayin what I hurd. Fur rrrrrrrrrrreeallllllllllllllllllsssssssss.

BRAD STEPHENSON: Thanks, ladies. Now get back to class.

This concludes another edition of Act Classy’s RoundTable Thursday. Now it’s time for the after party! Continue any of the above discussions in the comments below. The best commenter could be selected to be a guest for an upcoming RoundTable discussion!

Now, please enjoy this glorious song, “Mitt Romney: A Hero in my Mind.”

Tags: Chick-Fil-A, featured, Kim Jong-Un, roundtable, RoundTable Thursday

About the Author

Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.

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