RoundTable Thursday, July 19, 2012: Batman Week At Act Classy!
Side effects of RoundTable Thursday may include nausea, insomnia, vertigo, birth defects, pregnancy, hardened stools, finger-melt, and face-fall-off.
Oh, settle down. It’s not really going to happen.
JOE LYONS: FIRST TOPIC! It’s Batman week at Act Classy! You are the Caped Crusader’s newest nemesis. What is your name, origin, and villain-schtick?
BRAD STEPHENSON: I am The Rash. I have a rash. I’m not sure where it came from, but no one — not even The Batman — wants to touch me.
By the way, everyone, please welcome reader, contributor and funny guy Jason Bernard into our RoundTable this week!
JIVE TURKEY: My nemesis name would be Jason Bernard. My origin? I sprung out of a pile of Justin Bieber’s discarded Kleenexes, and my special power is taking one up the pooper. HAHAHA!
Just kidding, guys. Don’t publish this to the RoundTable. I think that Jason guy reads these.
JASON BERNARD: That pretty accurately describes my actual origin story, I think.
But my nemesis name would be The Racket. I was an early-80s French Canadian teenage tennis prodigy who was popular in high school, until I was outed and incessantly mocked for having a crush on my mom. I went crazy and vowed to hate on cool kids/rich kids for the rest of my days (so fuck B. Wayne). My schtick is I still dress like an early-80s tennis prodigy (I kinda look like a deranged Bjorn Borg), and my tennis racket smacks motherfuckers with the power of lightning. Oh, and every time my villain alter ego appears, “Broken Wings” by Mister Mister appears out of nowhere at deafening decibels. The RACKET!
FRED BETZNER: Name: The Mohel. Crime: Bank heists. Calling Card: Giant pile of severed dicks. Weakness: Taking the joke too far.
BRAD STEPHENSON: I assume you wear foreskins on a necklace?
FRED BETZNER: See, no, jewelry is not permitted by my religion. Too flashy, prideful.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Can I have all those extra foreskins then? My dog likes them.
FRED BETZNER: Well, I mean, if you can get there before Batman. It’s all just there in one big pile of mixed nuts…
I’m now as uncomfortable with this character as our readers are. Let’s move on, shall we…?
BRAD STEPHENSON: Testicles.
JIVE TURKEY: Also, nutsacks.
Sure, here you go—-OH. I thought you wanted nut snacks.
JOE LYONS: All of this ties into my secret identity as THE REGRETTER. I think you can all see why.
SECOND BAT-TOPIC! Marry, Bang, or Kill? You can choose any actor who has played Batman. SHOW YOUR WORK.
JIVE TURKEY: Marry: Michael Keaton, because it’s nice to know he has all those Mr. Mom skills in case we want to have babies. (He’ll be gestating and nursing the babies, just so we’re clear. I’ve seen that one guy on Oprah — I KNOW WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.)
Bang: Christian Bale. If I have to explain to you why, then you fail at life.
Kill: Val Kilmer. It’s…it’s just time.
You’d better get to him before his heart does.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Do we have the option of fucking Adam West to death?
JOE LYONS: {rifles through notes} No.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Dammit. In that case, I’d…
Marry: George Clooney, because being his wife would get me the best perks.
Bang: Adam West, because sharks are attracted to my sex sounds, and he has Bat Shark Repellant.
Kill: Agree with JT. Val Kilmer has contributed nothing to society for years.
KDIDDY: Marry: George Clooney, because he’s dreamy on his own and the likelihood of having a threesome with Brad Pitt is pretty good.
Bang: Christian Bale, because of his butt and this moment in American Psycho:
Kill: Jim Carrey. I know he played the Riddler, but I don’t have any beef with any of the other Batmans and I just want Jim Carrey to stop.
BRAD STEPHENSON: WAIT! Can I change my kill to Jenny McCarthy?!
JOE LYONS: {rifles through notes} I’ll allow it.
JASON BERNARD: Marry: Val Kilmer. Yeah, fuck you all, I love Tombstone. I’m that guy.
Bang: Prince. No, he didn’t play Batman. But he played a half-Batman (and half-Joker) in his Batdance video. And I think he’s probably built like a 12-year-old. And if I’m banging (and/or getting banged by) guys, I want them to be as small as possible. You’re not gaping me, Dark Knight!
Kill: Adam West. Imagine what that guy smells like. Whatever it is, we need less of it in the atmosphere.
JOE LYONS: You’ve all got it wrong.
Marry: Abed from Community as Batman. He’ll meticulously take care of you and you’ll have access to the Dreamatorium.
Bang: Adam West, since his costume is the least terrifying and you’ll have Burt Ward to talk about it with afterwards.
Kill: Any random stuntman that doubled for Clooney in Batman and Robin. We can’t kill Clooney. The world needs Clooney.
FINAL BAT-TOPIC! Batman has up and got another Robin killed in action. Please write Batman’s Craigslist ad looking for a new Boy Wonder.
JASON BERNARD: ISO Boy (Wonder)
Me: WM, brown hair/brown eyes, athletic build. Sugar daddy. Into karate, speed and toys. VERY adventurous. 
Excellent at keeping secrets and living a “double life.”
You: WM (sorry, it’s all I’ve ever tried!). Some muscles okay, but slender is good too. Submissive (I love telling you what to do…)
Must be VERY discreet. Nobody can know about our little arrangement. If you can keep your lips sealed, we can have a good time. I’ll Tumble for you!
No phone calls, please – to get in touch with me, throw something shiny in the air and I’ll come find you.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Hi, my name is Batman, and I am selling this couch.
There are some stains on it. I don’t need to go into detail about what kind of stains they are, but let me just say this… I have a new couch, and I need a new sidekick to help me make some new stains.
If you think you’d like to buy this couch or perhaps remove my utility belt, please rob a bank and try to run. While you’re running, you should scream, “I want to buy a couch! I want to buy a couch!” If I don’t hear you yelling that, I may mistakenly crush your spine.
P.S.: Butt stuff. Wink wink.
FRED BETZNER: Skipper seeking his Little Buddy. (M4M)
Hi, I’ve never written one of these before, but Alfred, my butl…older, wiser roommate, told me to give it a try, so here goes.
I’m looking for a partner, someone I can really be “me” around, someone young, willing to try new things, and not ask a lot of questions. Someone who’s good with secrets. Preferably someone who understands pain, trauma, someone willing to go to dark places and isn’t afraid to get their hands dirty while wearing formed rubber.
Must be willing to relocate to a city filled almost entirely with skyscraper sized homo-erotic sculptures and open-minded, fashion-forward gangs of hooligans, thugs, and gangsters.
I know this is really specific, but I can’t compromise, I can’t negotiate, I’m Ba…Ba…bachelor. I’m a bachelor…obviously. Since I’m writing this. I’d change that to seem less stupid, but my delete key is broken. OK, before I embarrass myself any further just email me at deepintobats@hotmale.com.
It’s…it’s actually hotmail.com…that was…I was trying to be funny. Sorry.
JIVE TURKEY: Non-sexually-minded male non-sexually seeking non-sexually-minded male~*~*~*NOT SEXUAL, I CANNOT MAKE THAT CLEAR ENOUGH~*~*~*~
Adult male seeking NON-SEXUAL younger male for COMPLETELY NON-SEXUAL adventures. Have been burned on Craigslist in the past, so please understand: WE WILL NOT BE TOUCHING EACH OTHERS BUTTS IN ANY FASHION.
Ideal candidate must be loyal and devoted (in the most platonic way possible) and incredibly discreet (about things that IN NO WAY involve scat play). Physical fitness (DO NOT SEND PHOTOS) and excellent endurance are required (and not because we will be engaging in marathon blumpkin sessions–WE WON’T). We will need to share living quarters (BUT NOT BODILY FLUIDS) in an arrangement that I will explain at a later time (in a regular, non-sexual conversation, not by whisper-shouting it in your ear while I pinch your nipples between sheets of sandpaper).
Look — I just need someone who can keep a totally non-sexual secret and won’t show up with wine coolers expecting a hand job. Someone help me out?
IT’S NOT OK TO CONTACT THIS POSTER WITH SEXUAL SERVICES OR OTHER INTERESTS INVOLVING YOUR BUM.
I SAID NO!
MOLLY MARTIN: HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! It is I! Batman’s nemesis, Non Sequitir! Responding to Roundtables after you’ve moved on to other topics!
*flies away*
*flies back*
And for the record, I would post an ad as “Desperately Seeking Screw-san” and see what pans out. You have to cast a wide net these days.
KDIDDY: Hmm, I’m not too familiar with the narrative style of Craigslist personal ads. This calls for research. *holds nose*
BRAD STEPHENSON: No, KDiddy… NOOOOOOOO!!!
{HOURS PASS}
MOLLY MARTIN: Um, guys, has anyone heard from KDiddy?!?!?!
KDIDDY: *muffled cries*
BRAD STEPHENSON: Hey… hey guys. I think Mr. Ruffalupagus has her.
MOLLY MARTIN: Just promise not to frack anyone and he’ll set you free!
JIVE TURKEY: Or maybe one of us should just show up and he’ll disappear and we’ll never believe KDiddy when she tells us he exists!
FRED BETZNER: Is it true he can’t be killed?
JOE LYONS: I’d love to reply, but I think I’ve been jammed into the same trunk that KDiddy has been stuffed into…
But enough about us! Let’s hear from you! Continue the RoundTable Thursday discussion in the comments below.
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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