RoundTable Thursday, July 12, 2012: Comic Con and TomKat!
You want content. But we’re just lazy. Let’s not work hard. RoundTable, maybe?
JOE LYONS: FIRST TOPIC!!! SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!! Comic Con is this week in San Diego!!! What costume are you wearing?
BRAD STEPHENSON: I would dress as one of Olivia Munn’s breasts and try to sneak my way into Channing Tatum’s mouth.
Are you guys still here? Guys?
“Dude, I think they left. Chirp.”
JIVE TURKEY: No costume necessary. I’m just going to sit back, relax, and watch my retirement fund expand tenfold as I charge Comic Con attendees $20 for a three-minute breast fondle. (Mine, not theirs.) (OK, theirs too.)
FRED BETZNER: Jive Turkey has just assured herself the cover of Forbes magazine. I would suggest, however, that you dress up as a cast member of Community and up it to $40.
I will be going as Spider-Man from the 2035 re-re-reboot, The Crepuscular Spider-Man, starring that baby from Modern Family.
Which one?
JOE LYONS: Jive Turkey is going to encounter that rare problem where she has too many yachts.
Well, at first I was going to dress up as Olivia Munn’s OTHER boob (the one where she stores her shame), but I don’t want to be that close to Brad when he’s thinking about Channing Tatum. Then I was going to go as Carl from The Walking Dead, but then no one would be able to find me. So I think I’m going to have to go as Manimal, in order to be current, popular, and a hit with the geek ladies.
SECOND TOPIC!!! TomKat is no more. While we enter into a period of national mourning, please invent a new wacky religion for Katie Holmes to enjoy while she deprograms all of the Scientology out of her skull.
BRAD STEPHENSON: She should join a new religion that I hear will bring you to your knees. I think it’s called Black Velvet.
If you please.
JIVE TURKEY: She should join my religion, The Church of Soleil Moon Fryentology. We meet once a week for fellowship amongst a loving congregation of Punky Friends. What?! It’s not any dumber than Xenu.
“Hey. Hey, man. Hey. Not cool.”
BRAD STEPHENSON: I’ve heard about that one! Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it the one where you all stand around chanting, “We must, we must, we must increase our busts”?
JIVE TURKEY: YES! And then we all get stuck inside an old refrigerator with Cherie.
BRAD STEPHENSON: ALL HAIL BRANDON-DOG.
JOE LYONS: You really put all of my plans for Mayim Bialikism to shame. Well, I guess I’ll just stick with my 2,000-year-old magic carpenter.
FINAL TOPIC! Earth is doomed. You have to pick three people to lead a new colony of humans on Mars. WHO DO YOU PICK?
FRED BETZNER: Obviously we’ll need some sort of English teacher to teach you when to use “whom” instead of “who,” unless we’re abandoning grammar for some crazy Martian dancing language like bees use.
Assuming we go with that plan, I’d bring Bob Fosse, Baryshnikov, and the crazy version of Natalie Portman from Black Swan who likes to go down on herself.
“Yea, bitch, you know you like that shit.”
BRAD STEPHENSON: Fred, Fred’s mom and Fred’s grandma. So at best he’d have to watch me repopulate with them, and at worst he’d have to participate in the re-population.
FRED BETZNER: Can I volunteer to stay on Earth and send this woman in my place? Have fun, Brad!
JIVE TURKEY: You guys! Stop fighting! There’s plenty of room for everyone’s mom and grandma to get plowed on Mars. Sheesh.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Even Kuato.
“Call me maybe?”
JOE LYONS: Maybe we should move the proper colony to the moon and just let Mars be for the matriarchal fornication mines?
JIVE TURKEY: Agreed. It’s really distracting with them in their current location in the McDonald’s PlayPlace.
BRAD STEPHENSON: So THAT’S why it’s called a Ball Pit.
JOE LYONS: GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!
{sets self on fire}
Quick, somebody pee on him! It won’t put the fire out, but it would be funny.
That’s it for this week’s edition of RoundTable Thursday. Remember, if you want to be invited to participate in an upcoming RoundTable Thursday, be sure to keep commenting on the Act Classy Facebook posts. We’ll occasionally pick funny people to join us!
Now excuse us while we go extinguish Joe. I guess. *sigh*
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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