Weekly News Flash: Romney and Armstrong… Armstromney… Romstrong?
The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.
Mitt Romney and the Case of the Salacious Signatures!
Human-like Legislation Approval Servodroid Model 687-5, otherwise known as former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, continued to dodge questions regarding his departure and retirement from his investment firm Bain Capital. For years, Romney has maintained that he left the company in 1999 and cannot be blamed for anything that happened after that time, but documents uncovered by the Boston Globe and others show clearly that Romney was listed as President, CEO, and Sole Owner of Bain as late as 2002.
Those who prefer that people running for office not lie about stuff see a discrepancy here. People who hate President Obama don’t. Mr. Romney, closely following his programming, appeared on five different news programs this past Friday and repeated the phrase “I left Bain Capital in 1999″ approximately 700 times.
Meanwhile, the cascade of Bain documents that bear Mr. Romney’s signature from the time period in question continue to trickle in. No word has yet surfaced on how far Mr. Romney is past his manufacturer’s warranty.
To be perfectly honest, everything is about Batman this week.
Lance Armstrong Kicked in Remaining Ball by Judge.
Purveyor of yellow rubber bracelets for a good cause Lance Armstrong has received judgment in a lawsuit he filed against the United States Anti-Doping Agency, and it would be an understatement to say that the presiding judge was not impressed.
“This court is not inclined to indulge Armstrong’s desire for publicity, self-aggrandizement, or vilification of Defendants by sifting through 80 mostly unnecessary pages in search of the few kernels of factual material relevant to his claims,” said Judge Sam Sparks in his ruling.
Armstrong has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs in his cycling career and has been offered the choice of a lifetime ban from Olympic sports, a loss of his titles (including seven wins at the Tour De France), and the loss all monetary rewards from his wins, OR he can appeal his case to an arbitration council, which Armstrong’s suit labels a kangaroo court.
George Herbert Kangaroo, who was charged with doping after leaping 20 feet during an Olympic High Jump performance in 1967 and for whom “kangaroo court” is named, could not be reached for comment.
Armstrong, pictured here with his best friends and partners in crime Two Face, The Hamburglar, Bizarro Robin, and The Joker (L-R) shortly before the group was apprehended hijacking a semi-truck filled with steroids.
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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