Five Hall And Oates Songs That Are Actually About Murder
Everybody loves Hall & Oates, right?
Chirp, chirp.
OK. So no one loves Hall & Oates. In fact, most people despise them. In a recent survey conducted by Act Classy on Facebook, 20 percent of all five respondents said they would use a time machine to stop Hall & Oates from ever existing. And they had some excellent alternate choices, including “Bang your 18-year-old self,” “Bang a dinosaur,” and “Bang Hall & Oates.” No one — NO ONE — said they would bang Hall & Oates.
This girl didn’t vote. Obviously.
We can all agree, though, that the rock and soul rhythms of Hall and Oates songs are fairly light and catchy. With bouncy songs like “You Make My Dreams” and “Maneater,” no one would ever expect that any of their tunes were about something dark and vicious. After all, Daryl Hall and John Oates comprise one of the most beloved acts in American music history.
Daryl Hall’s new band, Hall & Mr. Oats, is not quite as beloved.
What Act Classy’s staff of cracker jack journalists recently uncovered about Hall & Oates, though, is absolutely shocking. Most–if not all–of the duo’s songs are about horrific, violent murder. These are men with dark hearts and even darker secrets. Please allow us to offer some evidence for our wild and completely unfounded claims by examining five steaming piles of shit classic songs by Hall & Oates.
Kiss on My List
Sometimes I forget what I’m doing / I don’t forget what I want / Regret what I’ve done
The story behind the song: Daryl Hall and John Oates started making a list in 1979 of people they wanted to kill. When the men were stopped for a routine traffic violation, the police officer who pulled them over discovered the extensive 578-page list in the backseat of Hall’s car next to a Browning A-bolt, 7 mm rifle. When the cop asked the pop duo about the list and gun, the quick-thinking Oates replied, “That’s our list of… people we want to… kiss!”
“And what about that rifle,” the officer asked.
“That’s for to kill people,” said the much slower Hall.
They added the officer to their list, but did not kiss him.
Now watch this video of Disney characters kissing set to Kiss on My List.
Adult Education
The teacher don’t know about how to deal with the student body (huh, huh)
You might think the 1984 song Adult Education is about feeling out of place in high school, but you’re wrong. In the lyric above, when Hall & Oates refer to a “teacher” and a “student body,” they’re clearly expressing the frustration they feel when trying to dump a corpse. Have you ever tried to bury a body wearing this?
Hey Oates, my mom needs her pant suit back in time for work tomorrow.
Also, watch the video for Adult Education. It clearly has NOTHING to do with high school and EVERYTHING to do with human sacrifice.
I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)
Where does it stop, where do you dare me to draw the line / You’ve got the body, now you want my soul / Don’t even think about it, say no go.
It’s a well known fact that Daryl Hall and John Oates only have sexual intercourse with corpses. When they say that the “can’t go for that,” they’re obviously talking about warm, living bodies.
YeeEEsss. Yes can do.
Out of Touch
Smoking guns hot to the touch / Would cool down if we didn’t / Use them so much, yeah
Well, I think that lyric from the 1984 song Out of Touch is a little telling, isn’t it? The thing is, Hall & Oates never used guns for their murdering. Any good psychopath knows that a gun kills too quickly. Isn’t that right, John Oates?
“YOU’RE OUT OF TOUCH!!!”
Check out the video below. Honestly, I would be murderous, too, if I were trapped in a giant bass drum.
Maneater
Mind over matter / Ooh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart
Most people think the 1982 song Maneater is about a woman who… well… I guess she’s a slut. The fact is, though, this song is actually about Oates’ addiction to human flesh, and the “she” in the song is in reference to his mustache.
Act Classy has been enhancing old photos of Hall & Oates to find proof of cannibalism, and none of the photos we found were more damning than the one below. When the section of the photo that features Oates’ mustache is blown up using the latest CSI: Miami techniques, you can clearly see remnants of a human finger.
Watch out boy, she’ll chew you up.
They just didn’t have the technology in the 1980s to find severed fingers in the mustaches of pop stars.
What do you think? Were any other 1980s pop stars murderers? Please share in the comments, but only if you have undeniable evidence like we have presented above.
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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