Published on July 12th, 2012 | by Molly Martin0
Ask Professor Classypants: Fear of Pooping Edition
Welcome back, lost souls! And I mean lost. Souls. Who else would write to a stranger on the interwebz to ask this stuff? I mean, you know how fake online advice columnists work, right? You know I’m going to post your letter on the internet, right?
Is this why some weeks you don’t write to me? You’re too busy looking for a pay phone and wondering when Barney Miller is on? What is wrong with you people?
It is also possible that some weeks I get fewer letters than other because of my dazzling social skills but I don’t think so. I think it’s important to ask the question, though. I am deeply committed to introspection and reflection. Fortunately for me, I am even more committed to willful ignorance and dismissive behavior.
And speaking of willful ignorance and dismissive behavior, on with the show.
I have an extreme fear of pooping around people who are not my immediate family members. There is only one bathroom in my house and it is close to the living room. As you can imagine when I am entertaining non-immediate family members and have to poop I am faced with quite the predicament…what the crap should I do?
Constipated in West Virginia
Dear C in WV:
Why, why, why is this always the question I get from my beloved home state of West Virginia? None of my West Virginia brethren ever write to me to ask for help with their theoretical physics homework (that’s a thing, right?) or to ask the etiquette for turning down a personal solicitation by Kofi Annan. *sigh* I suppose all the thinking West Virginians are too busy to write to me. I can make peace with that, as long as the hostile annexation of Kentucky is complete by the time I go home for Thanksgiving. Professor needs room to stretch out.
Anyhoo — not wanting to take care of your biological business in the general proximity of strangers is not at all unusual. It is, frankly, the very thin thread of civility barely holding this country in place. Twelfth place…in most everything…except, maybe, failure to defecate mid-dinner party because of some strange social conventions in Finland.
I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. If you have guests over and are overwhelmed by the need to avail yourself of the restroom–which is, apparently, located next to your coffee table so please write to me soon for decorating tips–simply ask them to leave. Don’t say why. Just insist that they get out. But put tacks in your driveway so you can run outside [once you are done in the bathroom, of course] and say, “Oh my stars! What happened? Please come inside and we’ll call for help.” Then you can serve crudite and all is well.
You might want to lay off the crudite. – P.C.
Dear Professor C:
Should I fish or cut bait? Which one is the good one?
Clearly you already cut bait on taking the time to write out anyone’s name in its entirety. So I think you already know the answer. Are you unemployed right now? Currently on fire? Loathed by everyone you meet? Out of milk or bread? If the answer to most of those is “no,” cutting bait is working out just fine for you. Try to relax. Maybe go fishing? – P.C.
ps: These people went fishing, and look how awesome it was for them.
Question for Professor Classypants:
revdabdudmbttz, ynofgzvpci vvtdatvazs.
You should never chase a ball into the street. Safety first. – P.C.
Professor, I’d like to use the image of the avalanche in your June 12th, 2012 posting as a logo for a program to be run at an Institute for Theoretical Physics?
Thanks in advance!
Um…well…I…wow. This is awkward. Do you know you wandered into a fake online advice column? People usually stop by to act like jackasses on the internet. Y’know, write a letter containing the word “poop” so they can show their friends and say, “Heh! I said ‘poop’ on the internet.” I’m, uh, not sure what to do with a polite and honest inquiry so, um, I’ll just say…
Happy writing! Thanks for stopping by to live, love, and learn. Be sure to join us next week. And remember: Act Classy and you will be classy. Ish.
Have a question for Professor Classypants? Feel free to use our magical form that lets you enter information into rectangles. When you hit SUBMIT, the form sends electronic mail to Professor Classypants with your message. Great… now we’ve over-explained things.