Act Classy’s Top 17 Ways to Get Out of Dating Kate Gosselin!
Here at Act Classy, a lot of entertainment news comes across our desks. We like to fancy ourselves as experts in the realm of pop culture, and it’s important that we keep our fingers on the pulse of the industry. It’s what you expect of us and, dang it, we like to do it for you. But every once in a while, a story comes into our offices that is so evil–so unspeakably terrifying–that it’s hard for us to even say it out loud for fear of invoking unholy demons. We are, of course, referring to the news that Kate Gosselin is getting her own reality dating show.
PLEASE DON’T LET THIS BE REAL LIFE!!!
I’ll give you a minute to catch your breath, put your loved ones down, and crawl out of your panic rooms.
Better?
Good. Now, yes, the news that Kate Gosselin, the former reality TV super-villain star of Jon and Kate Plus 8, is distressing to everyone. For many seasons, we all had to suffer through the passive aggressive bitchstorm that was the on-camera marriage and divorce of Kate Goesslin and her ex-husband Jon, and the unfortunate on-camera effect it had on their eight children (a pair of twins and sextuplets). We weren’t ready for this. We were happy! It had been an entire year since we had to deal with Kate Gosselin on TV and now they do this to us?! And what about the people who will (we’re assuming) be forced to vie for Kate Gosselin’s hand at gunpoint?! Well, Act Classy cares about you, so that’s why we very somberly present to you–in the interest of public safety–the Top 17 Ways to Get Out of Dating Kate Gosselin!
1. Preemptively volunteer for another reality show, like Who Wants to Bet Their Fingers?!, Bear Factor, or America’s Next Top Hostage.
2. Walk on your knees and try to blend in with her kids. That’s the one place she can’t be bothered to look.
3. Pray that a truck full of Ed Hardy shirts jackknifes in front of your house.
Just on my way to hang out in a high school parking lot…
4. If you get stuck in a room with her, be sure not to look at her in the eyes. Just look at her reflection in the shield I am assuming you will bring.
5. Enlist in the Portuguese Navy.
6. Use holy water as aftershave. She’ll be unable to approach you.
I KNOW WE LEFT A COUPLE IN THE STORE! THEY KNEW THE RISKS!
7. Got a mannequin, a car you weren’t using and a couple of loose teeth? Well, then you’ve got a Fake Your Own Death Kit, my friend!
8. “Hi, I’m Steve. Nice to meet you. Wow! I didn’t think you’d look OK after you got rid of that stupid haircut.”
9. Keep calling her house “The Kennel.”
10. “Man! I bet your womb is the size of a Smart Car!”
If you listen closely, you can hear all of those poor Chilean miners…
11. Keep asking her about her Asian heritage.
12. Medically induce a coma.
13. Keep identifying yourself as “pre-op.”
14. Eight magic words: “I rarely feel like I’m entitled to anything.”
I didn’t understand any of that.
15. “I hate to play favorites, but only kids 1, 4, and 6 don’t disgust me.”
16. Shout “PAPARAZZI!” and then run. Run like the wind.
17 . Calmly explain to her that you don’t want to take part in this show. That maybe the best way to live your life and to raise your family is to not thrust yourself into the national spotlight at all costs. Fame is not the answer. Maybe love and some good old fashioned non-TV work could be the key to happiness in your life. Also, I don’t want to date the Omega-Shrew.
Stay safe everyone. Don’t let Kate Gosselin get her claws into you…that’s where she keeps her neurotoxin. Got any other suggestions? Leave them in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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