Act Classy Cares

Published on July 6th, 2012 | by Joe Lyons

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Act Classy Saves The Olympics By Fixing Joe Klamar’s Horrible Photos

As I’m sure you are all aware, the Olympics are almost upon us.  We’ve been watching the trials for the last three weeks, and soon the actual games will begin in London and it’ll be the only thing on television.  Every four years it’s like the Oliver North trial all over again.  It’s all over TV; you didn’t want to watch it, but you’re watching it anyway.

“I do solemnly swear to ruin the season finale of ALF for you, Joe Lyons.”
SCREW YOU, OLIVER NORTH! I WANT THAT CHUNK OF THE 80s BACK!!!

Anyway, the official media day for the American Olympians was earlier this week, and Joe Klamar–a not-blind man and the photographer assigned to the event by the AFP–was there to take pictures, which were immediately released to all of the major news services.  According to the Internet, the pictures in question WERE THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO PHOTOGRAPHY, THE OLYMPICS, AND AMERICA IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER.  Well now, they couldn’t be THAT bad, could they?  Let’s look at a few…

Basically, I wanted to capture Phelps while he swims at a depth below the Marianas Trench…

Apparently, “the Antlers” are going to be the big way to show your team spirit this year.

He was using an old timey camera. This picture took 45 minutes to expose properly.

“Will people be able to see my face?  What do you mean you don’t care?”

Actually, I paid next to nothing for that flag. Why do you ask?

FUN FACT! This is the same outfit I wore in my senior picture.  I also posed with the same extension cord.

Apparently, signing up for a Grindr account is now an Olympic sport…

Now remember, the main thing I’m going for is “dignified,” OK?

OK, I won’t lie.  They’re not great.  The lighting is weird.  The framing is odd.  The subjects look uncomfortable in an assortment of silly poses. The backdrop is shoddy and the floor they’re standing on is all torn up.  It’s work that shouldn’t have come from a professional photographer and shouldn’t have gotten past a professional editor.  But put the torches down, Internet!  There’s good news!  These pictures are 100% salvageable through the magic of editing.

Well, maybe not this one, since the only thing you wanted to focus on was THE SHOT PUT!

Now, I fancy myself a bit of a photographer.  Actually I’m more of an “artographer,” since the images I create transcend mere “photos.” I have signed up for an Instagram account, I own a camera where you can actually take the lens off, and before I take any picture I make that little box with my thumb and forefingers to make sure that what I’m about to shoot will be perfect.  So I think I know what I’m talking about when I say I can help someone who does this for a living.  Hey, Joe Klamar! Act Classy cares and Joe Lyons is here to help you.  Let’s take a look at a few of your photos and see what we can do.

Now this is Hyleas Fountain, an Olympic decathlete.  Here we see her in some sort of weird pose.  The intention was probably to show her mid-long jump or something, but clearly it’s not coming across.  Let’s see what we can do…

She can “Jazz Hands” at nearly 45 miles per hour.

BOOM.  Fixed it.  See, Joe, with a couple of props on hand, this photo would have gone from weird, poorly framed portrait to a good ol’ fashioned Cabaret!  Now let’s take a look at one of the ones from above.

Gymnast Jonathan Horton here is showing off his impressive skills, but this photo is still all wrong.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Make his feet into sock puppets.”  It’s true, I am a sucker for the classics, but the problem is what’s around Jonathan.  It looks like somebody’s cleats tore up Joe Klamar’s backdrop, and now that’s all you can see.  Fortunately, it’s an easy fix, and that easy fix goes by the simple name “Rocket Fart.”

Excuse me, I’m secretly praying that this man will never know how to find me.

BOOM.  Fixed it.  I have completely solved the torn paper problem AND added a little bit of mystery to this athlete’s back story.  Is he as good as he says?  Or is it mainly all Rocket Farts?  Who knows, but I’m sure happy to be looking at this picture now!  Let’s try another one.

Here’s sailor Anna Tunicliffe in a pose that no one ever has to make ever with her eyes completely hidden in shadow.  Pssh!  This one is too easy.

To me, my Ex-Olympians.

BOOM.  Fixed it.  Now there was no problem there that a little Cyclops visor couldn’t fix.  What else do we have?

Sp…Spider-Man?

That’s, uh, Gaby Douglas, America’s new gymnast sweetheart.  Um, I don’t think I can fix this one.  Is there another one?!

Much better.  Now, what’s the one major problem most American gymnasts have?  No, not Bela Karolyi screaming at them in their sleep while they’re interned at the gymnast gulag…er…camp.  It’s looking too cutesy.  It’s becoming just another Mary Lou Retton on a Wheaties box and never being taken seriously for anything ever.  Well, this weird pose could be a lot edgier if Joe Klamar had just added…

I still don’t get the scoring on the Floor Exercise, but now I’m sufficiently terrified of it.

 Now THERE’S a gymnast I want to take seriously, no matter how eerily squeaky-voiced she is.  Next?

This is Sarah Robles, weightlifter.  This woman is potentially the strongest woman in the world and THIS is how you want her to pose, Joe Klamar?!  Sigh, lemme see if I can fix this…

Robin Williams is going to be pissed.

To be fair, she probably does eat a good amount of spinach.  Let’s try one with a fella…

Well, with this picture of Nick McRory, Joe Klamar has captured the true essence of diving — and that essence is that we, the viewer, are forced to stare at the human wang encased in spandex for more time than anyone would find comfortable.  Someone needs to remind Joe that portraits are traditionally of the face and not the genitals.  Only one thing can fix this.

Pants.

Just pants.  OK, the EIC here at Act Classy, who is a crazy computer, is telling me I have time for one more, so let’s take a look at that Michael Phelps one again.

This one is not so tough.  I’ll just pop this picture into Photoshop, adjust some brightness and gamma levels, tweak the contrast, and BOOM fixed.  Let’s take a look…

SMASHING!

Amazing what you can see if you bother to take a picture WITH A FLASH.  So what do you think, Classy Readers?  Are these pictures as bad as everyone is making them out to be?  Or do we just not get it?  Are they better after my fixes?  Or should I have the lawyers on standby?  Leave your Olympic thoughts in our classy comments box below!

Tags: featured, Joe Klamar, London, Michael Phelps, Olympics, portraits

About the Author

Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.

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