Act Classy Prank Phone Calls: Howie Mandel
(EDITOR’S DISCLAIMER: No one actually called Howie Mandel. This is a fictitious account of a potential prank call. Settle down, one lady who saw him on Leno and still thinks he’s funny/relevant.)
You know, we here at Act Classy are suckers for the classics. Knock-knock jokes. Joy buzzers. Flaming bags of dog poop. When done properly, all of these gems are good for a couple of chuckles. If we don’t learn to appreciate some of the more basic types of humor, then how will we ever begin to appreciate the advanced stuff?
Like Batman slapping Robin…
Anyway, we here at Act Classy are also big fans of the classic prank phone call. A well-executed prank phone call can generate laughs, unite nations, and irritate the deserving. So we’d love to share with you a transcript of a prank phone call we made to Howie Mandel of Little Monsters fame. At Act Classy, tormenting celebrities is a passion of ours.
Seriously, what the hell was the matter with the 80s?!
From Police File #1952314
{Ring}
JOE LYONS: Come on!
{Ring}
Pick up!
{Click}
HOWIE MANDEL: Hello.
Um, Hey.
Who is this?
Who do you think it is?
Ted Danson?
Close.
Look I’m very busy, what do you want?
Is you’re refrigerator running?
What?
Go check.
I’m not going to check if my refrigerator is running.
You may want to check.
No. Look, America’s Got Talent ain’t going to host itself. I’m hanging up.
No, wait!
What?!
You’re stupid.
Did you just call me stupid?!
Yeah.
Just who the hell…
Your haircut’s stupid too.
I’m hanging…
Hey.
{silence}
Hey.
WHAT?!
I liked the movie Gremlins.
Well…thanks…I guess.
You were terrible in it though.
What?! I was just the voice of Gizmo! How could I have been terrible?
So is midnight on Eastern or Central Time?
I would have done it better.
Yeah, how?
{In a bewildering Australian accent} OY! I’m a hairy little bastard! Let’s go to Dairy Queen!
{silence}
See. Way better.
I’m going to call the police.
Yeah, do that. I wanna tell them how Bobby’s World killed my brother.
I’m top-heavy.
What?!
Yeah, your stupid show killed my little brother.
My God…I…I’m sorry….Waitaminute. How did a whimsical cartoon show kill your brother?
He got steroid injections so he could make his head disproportionately huge compared to the rest of his body, so he could look like Bobby.
Well, it’s his fault the steroids killed him!
Oh, they didn’t kill him.
Well, what did?!
Train.
What does that have to do with Bobby’s World?!
Nothing.
Where were your parents?!
Driving the train.
I’m going to find you and…
Hey.
{Sigh}
Hey.
WHAT?!
I love you.
{silence}
Let’s make another Police Academy movie.
Who is this?!?
I’m the Sound Effects guy from Police Academy.
So?!
I can do cool sound effects. Listen…honk.
That was awful!
You’re awful!
You just said the word “honk”!! That doesn’t count.
You don’t count!
I wasn’t even in Police Academy!!!!
{Silence}
Really?
NO!!
Well, who am I thinking of?
{Sigh} Steve Guttenberg?
MY EYES!!!!
THAT’S THE ONE!
I will kill you.
Hey.
WHAT?!?!
Is Steve Guttenberg there?
No.
He should be.
Well, he’s not.
Short Circuit was a good movie.
I’m having this call traced right now.
You wish you were Johnny 5.
You wish you weren’t about to be arrested.
Hey.
WHAT?!?!
Wanna hear my Howie Mandel impersonation?
Do I have a choice?
No. Ahem. {In a bewildering Australian accent} OY! I’m a hairy little bastard! Let’s go to Dairy Queen!
You’re a dead man.
You’re a dead woman.
Shut up!
Up shut.
STOP THAT!
Hello?
Hello?
Who is this?
You know damn well who it is!
Loni Anderson?
RRRAAARAGHHHH!!!!!
Look stop calling me.
You called me!
A likely story.
You’re toast, you bastard.
You’re an English muffin.
I called the police. They’re on their way to you.
Why?! You called me.
I DID NOT!!!
Leave me alone.
WHAT?! Look. You called me. Insulted my career. Confused me for Steve Guttenberg, and you think I sound like Loni Anderson. You’re a jerk, and you’re in a lot of trouble, and…
Hey.
{Sigh} WHAT?!?!
{In a bewildering Australian accent} OY! I’m a hairy little bastard! Let’s go to Dairy Queen!
{CLICK}
It went more or less something like that. Got anyone else we should prank phone call? Leave your thoughts in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
Related Posts
My God, What Have We Done: The Best Of Act Classy 2012 →
RoundTable Thursday, January 10, 2012: Resolutions, White House Sharts, and Bieber Intervention →
Debt Ceiling News: Republicans Apparently Unclear on The Way Money Works →
Comments