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Published on July 27th, 2012 | by Joe Lyons

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Act Classy Has A Sneak Preview Of The Olympics Opening Ceremony!

The day is finally here.  All of the training and the praying and the juicing and the cleansing and the denying that we juiced and the test failing and the test retaking and the passing the test in the end are all finally going to pay off.  The Olympics opening ceremony is tonight, so THE 2012 SUMMER GAMES ARE UPON US!

Mascots

The 2012 Mascots: Nightmarey and OneEye McPeepants.

Now, a few weeks ago I wrote about the horrible portraits that the American Olympians had to suffer through, but that’s all behind us now.  The opening ceremonies are happening in London today and it’s all anyone can talk about.  Four years ago, the Beijing Olympics put all other opening ceremonies to shame.  The spectacle!  The choreography!  The magic of it all!  It’s been four years and people are STILL talking about the Beijing opening ceremonies.

Beijing

Picture taken during the ceremonies’ second act where all of the performers were forced to make iPhones.

So, needless to say, the London Olympics has got their work cut out for them.  They’re off to a good start though!  They’ve hired Academy Award winning director Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, 127 Hours, Slumdog Millionaire) to direct the opening ceremonies and, so far, the buzz is GLOWING.  It’s so good that we here at Act Classy couldn’t help ourselves and got to work on finding out the whole program beforehand.  Some people say that we have an unhealthy obsession with spoilers, but we bet all of those people are probably going to either end up as ghosts or murders.  After calling in a bunch of favors and sending a dangerous amount of black market Wendy’s Baconators across the pond, we’ve got our mitts on the entire program for the show and we want to share the highlights with you, the people who can’t seem to wait patiently for anything. Ready?

  • Dramatic opening score by John Williams cut short by holograms of the Sex Pistols.
the-sex-pistols

Their odor was Olympic.

  • Ricky Gervais stands in the middle of the stadium and mocks every country in alphabetical order while Cirque du Soleil performs their London-themed show “Rain Dreams of Terrible Teeth.”
David_Brent

We’ll be treated to many EXCELLENT dances.

  • Get this, in a fit of comedy, there will be…*chuckle*…MEN wearing DRESSES!  Oh, of all the things…
dame-edna

I’m a bloody national treasure!

  • We’ll be treated to the unique sports that London will be introducing to the Olympics for the first time ever.
Ministry_of_Silly_Walks

Something tells me London is playing towards its strengths…

  • The middle third is a straight-up chamber drama where people hide their true emotions, deal with class warfare, and we’ll all just have to deal with the people who gasp at us when we tell them that this sort of thing is not our cup of tea.
Downton

The original title of this series was “This is What Every Wednesday in Britain Is Like.”

  • The entire team from Burkina Faso is made to think they’ve been wrapped up in a heroin-induced crime caper that has gone horribly wrong.
trainspotting

After the Heroin Relay will be the terrifying Baby Long Jump.

  • Monty level?  Full.
full_monty

I’d like to formally petition that we scale it back to, at most, 3/8 Monty level.

  • And finally, the last 45 minutes of the ceremony is just this:

If you weren’t excited before, then you must be at least somewhat excited now!  What are you looking forward to the most about the London Olympic ceremonies?  Are there any other broad British stereotypes that I missed?  Leave your Olympic-sized thoughts in our classy comments box below!

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About the Author

Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.


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  • John

    Dame Edna may be a national treasure — but she’s/he’s Australian. Granted, they used to be under British rule; but last I heard, Australia is a different country now.

    • http://www.twitter.com/bstephenson Brad Stephenson

      Boom. Joe Lyons… called out. John, you also know that none of the items listed above are true in any way, right?

    • http://www.actclassy.com/ SweetMonkeyCreek

      You just changed my life.

      • http://www.twitter.com/bstephenson Brad Stephenson

        I guess you need to burn all that Dame Edna pornographic fan-fic you’ve been writing.

        • http://www.actclassy.com/ SweetMonkeyCreek

          It’s nothing a simple find/replace can’t fix…

  • SuzyQuzey

    Will there be an intermission for proper tea?

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