So You’re Moving to Canada?
It’s almost the Fourth of July, and you know what that means! Many of the country’s best, brightest and most patriotic citizens are taking to Twitter to announce they are MOVING TO CANADA to ESCAPE SOCIALIZED HEALTH CARE. I am here to wish you a a fond farewell and good luck with your government mandated health exam prior to emigrating! Canada tells you which doctor to use! Also, Wikipedia “Health Care in Canada.” Never mind, I’ll do it for you.
This just says “Health Care in Canada is delivered through a publicly funded health care system, which is mostly free…” Literally. Right there at the front of all the other sentences.
We’re having a Tea Party! On the bottom of the pool! You aren’t invited if you’re poor! Heehee!
They aren’t going to let you do the “George Washington” when you get to Canada, so you better get that out of your system.
Another thing you should know about Canada is: THEY have taxes, too! I KNOW! Let me assist you in spending all your hard earned American dollars on some fancy crap for a banging Fourth of July blowout before you blow this BombPop stand that is America. WOAH. That was a play on, “Blow this popsicle stand.” It just came out terrorize-y. That doesn’t feel patriotic at all. Moving ON.
Before you get your immigrant on, how about loading up on some uniquely American souvenirs? Something to remind you of home when you are wrapped in your flannel trying to prevent your children from saying “Eh” after EVERYTHING. First stop! (Only stop.) SkyMall!
If you find yourself too busy to get all this ordered before you leave, order on the plane outta town and have it all delivered to your new cabin in British Columbia. Alright! Now let’s plan your Farewell Fourth of July Party!
First thing’s first: Getting your beer can under control.
This is a live armadillo that carries your beer around and works for peanuts.
You can get one for $20 or 2 for $30. I suggest two, because like a lot of small house pets, armadillos get lonely and tend to turn to alcoholism to cope.
Next up: Recreation! You might not get to set off fireworks because of dry weather, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a snazzy light show. Here is a handy home mushroom growing kit.
Psychedelic mushrooms in a convenient carrying case. Doubles as armadillo condo when mushrooms are gone.
That’s gonna set you back $20 – 36. But the return … oh man. You’ll be making money selling hallucinogenic drugs. Business in the front, party in my mind.
Food! The only thing more American than eating grilled meat on the Fourth of July is burning your identifying information into that meat before you eat it.
Get creative. USA! YAY! OMG! DIE! COW! DIE! YUM!
I forgot how much this costs, but obviously it’s priceless. Another fun thing would be to get one that says “VEG” and then tell all your vegetarian friends that the steaks branded “VEG” are soy-based. You MUST try!
Safety first! You don’t want to be involved with any poolside accident litigation. Make sure everyone at your swim party is protected and safe.
These are miniature, floatable lawyers. New from SkyMall. In pink or blue.
Protect yourself.
Now that you are protected, do something really stupid.
This summer … make every little girl’s dream come true …
Bind their feet together with plastic and throw them into a deep body of water.
Have fun in Canada, morons!
We’ll miss you so much!
About the Author
Molly Karrasch Molly Karrasch acts classy as an actor-ess in Austin, TX, often as a company member at austinplayhouse.com. She is also a producer of theatre, writer of ridiculousness, mother of boy, keeper of books and would never get anything done without Jay-Z. An enormous percentage of her time is spent trying to kick anorexia in the face. She once pulled a pocket knife on rapper Mack 10 in a mini-van in a Wal-Mart parking lot; RELAX, it was to HELP him.
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