RoundTable Thursday

Published on June 7th, 2012 | by Joe Lyons

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RoundTable Thursday, June 7, 2012: Diamond Jubilee!

I think I love you. But what am I so afraid of? I’m afraid that I’m not sure of…a Roundtable Thursday that there’s no cure for!

You’re not hearing things, ladies.  That was the sound of your underpants disappearing.

JOE LYONS - ITEM! The Queen of England is celebrating her Diamond Jubilee (which, as it turns out, is not an X-Men character). Due to a spectacular filing error, you have been invited to the celebration. You only have enough time to swing by Wal-Mart to get a gift for her. What tributes do you get for the Queen?!

Keep in mind they don’t sell scepters…

BRAD STEPHENSON - I’d get her an American flag coffee mug, an American flag t-shirt, and a book about American hero Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart. Then I’d tell her to stick them up her tyrannical asshole.

(I’m sorry… I’m still holding onto a lot of anger from the Revolutionary War.)

FRED BETZNER - I’m pretty sure everything Brad got her is all they sell at Wal-Mart sooooo…you think I can sign that card too, there? Buddy? Go in together on that one? Oooo wait, before we leave can we dig through the $5 DVD bin? I’ve been hoping to find a full-screen copy of every Tyler Perry movie.

JOE LYONS - This is relevant.

BRAD STEPHENSON: Thanks for that video, Joe. It was useful for a couple reasons: 1) I thought Grace Jones was dead and 2) I had forgotten to hate the hula hoop.

FRED BETZNER - Also, I’m glad to see that in these tough economic times England is saving some money by booking acts singing songs no one remembers and recycling the stage from Queen Victoria’s Diamond Jubilee.

JIVE TURKEY - I would get the Queen a Wal-Mart gift card. It’s about time that tea-swilling aristocrat gets a good old-fashioned dose of American reality and is forced to set foot in Wal-Mart, where she’ll witness children being screamed at to “shut the f*ck up!” in the paper plates aisle by semi-intoxicated adults who may or may not be their legal guardians.

Yes.  That smell is a meth lab explosion.

JOE LYONS - I would buy the Queen a Slap Chop, a bottle of Urine Gone for her 45,000 Corgis, a $5 copy of Tremors 2, and something to wear from the Miley Cyrus collection.

She may have dislocated her head but MAN, has she got it going on!!!

JOE LYONS - Second topic!!! Political discourse in the United States is rapidly hurtling towards the simple notion of “I’m correct and everyone else is Hitler.” You are able to address the entire nation after you muscle your way to the podium in the White House press room. What one strategy would you propose to the nation in order to ensure a better tomorrow?

Clearly, they have all of the best thinkers.

JIVE TURKEY - Um… that I’m correct and everyone else is Hitler? Seems legit.

BRAD STEPHENSON - PUT ALL YOUR MONEY IN FACEBOOK STOCK!!!

JOE LYONS - Personally, my tactic would be the same one I employ in my everyday life. I’ll just stare into the camera and say, “You guys… come on,” over and over and over and over again until either a sense of harmony overtakes the nation or we destroy each other in one hellish nightmare of exasperated violence.

Also effective.

JOE LYONS - FINAL ISSUE!!! Jean Claude Van Damme brought his crazy hot daughter to the MTV Movie Awards and appeared to be auctioning her off to the highest bidder. You have paid in full, and now the Muscles From Brussels is your father-in-law. Part of your dowry included that the two of you star in an action film together. Pitch us that movie!!!

I made this with sex!

Show them how we do “ze spleets”!

She’s available for the low, low price of putting me on one season of Dancing With the Stars!

JIVE TURKEY - Well, part of the marital arrangement included the condition that I build my new bride a beautiful home on the shores of North Carolina, the land of gay-marriage-party-poopers. Since Daughter Van Damme and I are both ladies, this means we can’t get married, and THAT WILL NOT DO. Enter the action film my father-in-law and I will create together, Same Sex Union-versal Soldier (working title), where we go about kicking the asses of backwards North Carolinians until they come to their sense and stop being such a bunch of lame douchebags.

This should sufficiently weird out North Carolina.

JOE LYONS - Well, that’s way more noble than the flick I was going to pitch.  It was going to be me and Jean Claude, and we pretty much go from town to town, doing splits across improbable distances until we damage our groins permanently.  I was going to call it Budsport.  But I guess that’s out the window now.  THANKS, JIVE TURKEY.

Dignified.

BRAD STEPHENSON: My JCVD movie pitch… Kindergarten Cop meets Junior meets Twins meets Terminator. Before Arnold Schwarzenegger can regain his foothold in Hollywood, Jean Claude and I will do a movie that blends his most notable work into one film. Jean Claude plays a pregnant kindergarten teacher, and I play his cyborg twin. The movie will feature lots of laughs, a ton of ass-kicking, and mostly me having sex with his daughter.

OK, OK. Jesus. Settle down, dude.

Well, that’s about it for this session of RoundTable Thursday!  But don’t let it stop now.  Join the conversation in our comments box below!

Tags: Diamond Jubilee, featured, Jean Claude Van Damme, politics, Queen Elizabeth, roundtable, RoundTable Thursday, Walmart

About the Author

Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.

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