RoundTable Thursday, June 28, 2012: Aliens And Spice Girls Will Save The World
You down with RTT? Yes, I do, in fact, believe that you know me.
JOE LYONS: FIRST ITEM!!! Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman recently offered up a suggestion for the best way to save the world’s economy: ALIEN INVASION. Krugman suggests that an actual (or faked *cough*Watchmen*cough*) alien invasion could be the best way to revitalize the world economy, pointing to Europe’s entry into World War II as an indicator of what pulled the U.S. out of the Great Depression.
Now it’s on you, dearest RoundTable members. Pitch your proposed economy-saving alien invasion to Mr. Krugman. Is it the White-House-Blowing-Up-Mothership kind? Body Snatchers? TELL US YOUR PLAN! (Provided it’s not “Plan 9″)
BRAD STEPHENSON: I just got off the phone with Ridley Scott, and he wanted me to make it clear that Prometheus has absolutely NO connection whatsoever to Krugman’s aliens, the movie Alien, illegal aliens, or any other aliens anywhere. Just so we have that all straight.
MOLLY MARTIN: Did anyone else think Paul Krugman was the guy who played Quincy? Because I do believe resurrecting Quincy would provide a much needed jolt to the flagging economy.
JIVE TURKEY: I agree with Molly. And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: what the world needs now is the sexy amateur detective skills of Hart to Hart. How is that supposed to help the economy? Jesus — I don’t know! I only have 43 cents in my purse! Leave me be!
MOLLY MARTIN: You have 43 cents? *puts on mask a la mugger on a Laugh-In rerun* Your money or your life?
FRED BETZNER:Hmmmmmm, we have to figure out a way to monetize religious people desperately trying to accommodate aliens into their theology without admitting that they’re wrong. Something with, I don’t know, Space Pope?
BRAD STEPHENSON: Mother F&%*ing Space Pope, y’all!
(Insert offensive or respectful caption here, depending on your religious beliefs.)
FRED BETZNER: Ka-CHING!
JOE LYONS: I’m so confused. What were we talking about? I don’t remember. All I can think about now is Space Pope getting hit on the head with Ruth Buzzi’s purse. Am I dying?
SECOND TOPIC! For some reason, there’s a wave of nostalgia going around where we are supposed to have positive memories about the Spice Girls. This is mass hysteria at the highest level. Is there anything we can do to stop this? Also, say you were drafted into the group. What’s your Spice Girl name?
MOLLY MARTIN: Clearly my Spice Girl name is Marjoram because no one knows what to do with me.
FRED BETZNER: Well, according to a Google search (I research everything Joe tells me because he is a known dirty liar), they are launching a stage musical inspired by their songs in London. So no, unfortunately there is nothing that you can do to kill crappy pop-musical theater. Thanks a lot Abba.
Sincerely, Screaming Night Terror Spice.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Well, I’d hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but I guess now I have no choice.
{pulls parachute ripcord… parachute falls onto floor}
Hmm. I really thought that would work.
Anyway, call me Sharty Spice.
“Hey, you kids! Let go of that! It’s very expensive! Stop it!”
JIVE TURKEY: A Spice Girls musical? Welp, it’s been fun.
JOE LYONS: So JT is “Suicidey Spice” then. Wonderful. Personally I’m banking on one of them having a weird infection that will eventually consume them all. Call me Sriracha Spice, the spice that get dared by your friends to enjoy. I’m pleasant at first and then you immediately regret touching me… because it burns…
FINAL TOPIC!!! QUICK! A Google Maps camera is about to drive by you while you’re walking down the street. WHAT DO YOU DO?!
JIVE TURKEY:Lay down lifelessly on the sidewalk, then use the resulting image to start an urban legend about someone who killed themselves 45 years ago on prom night in that exact location and only shows up in the presence of useful technology.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Pull my parachute ripcord and shart.
“Seriously. Put it down. COME ON!”
FRED BETZNER: Finally! An opportunity for the world to see my perfectly recreated Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” dance routine. Ready and a one and a two and a — it’s gone already isn’t it? The camera’s gone? Son of a…
JOE LYONS: Air guitar. The dignified answer is air guitar.
FRED BETZNER: You are correct, though it’s ironic since there is nothing dignified in what you do with a real guitar.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Sorry, guys. I can’t participate in this RoundTable chat anymore. Andrew Garfield has revealed that he was naked under his Spider-Man costume, and I have to go find a private place to “sling some web.”
“Go Spidey, it’s your birthday. Go Spidey. Go, go, go…”
JOE LYONS: We’re no longer “Amazing Friends.”
BRAD STEPHENSON: That’s fine.
Spider-Man is just sad because it’s the end of another AMAZING RoundTable Thursday. Continue the discussion of any of our RoundTable topics in the comments below! Help us make our table even… rounder?
And go see The Amazing Spider-Man, opening everywhere on July 3! We aren’t being paid to say that. We’re just geeks who need the comic movie trend to continue, and that can only happen if they keep taking all your hard-earned meth sales money.
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
Related Posts
My God, What Have We Done: The Best Of Act Classy 2012 →
RoundTable Thursday, January 10, 2012: Resolutions, White House Sharts, and Bieber Intervention →
Debt Ceiling News: Republicans Apparently Unclear on The Way Money Works →
Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Brent Musburger Loves the Ladies! →
-
http://twitter.com/Simon_the_boy Simon Agirlandaboy
-
http://www.actclassy.com/ SweetMonkeyCreek
-
-
SuzyQuzey
