RoundTable Thursday

Published on June 21st, 2012 | by Brad Stephenson

5

RoundTable Thursday, June 21, 2012: The 90s Are Back!

RoundTable Thursday.  Because SquareTable Monday, HexagonalTable Tuesday, and JustSitOnAMatOnTheFloorWednesday are stupid.  Friday is still great.  Gotta get down on Friday.

JOE LYONS: FIRST ITEM!  Arsenio Hall is back from obscurity and is currently Donald Trump’s only of example of how he totally doesn’t hate African Americans.  Word is that Hall is going to be getting another late night show.  The return of the 90s is now upon us!  Quick!  Which thing from the 90s do you want to have back?  Which thing will you stop at nothing to keep from returning?

MOLLY MARTIN: Fine.  I’ll say it if no one else will.  The Soviet Union…amiright?!?!  And none of that “The USSR: The College Years” bullshit, either.

FRED BETZNER: Things I’d like to see come back: Animaniacs, Kids in the Hall, Twin Peaks.

Things I never want to see come back: Cheri Oteri, Saved by the Bell, high school.

MOLLY MARTIN: Ooooo!  I want to steal Fred’s and vote for Kids in the Hall.  And didn’t Sports Night just eke into the 90s?  Best.  Show.  Ever.

JIVE TURKEY: The only thing I miss about the 90s is Clearly Canadian. Come back, Clearly Canadian! You were delicious.

Middle-parted male bowl cuts and aggressively pleated acid-wash jeans can never come back. I honestly can’t think of anything less flattering. We’ll die out as a species.

BRAD STEPHENSON: I’d really like to see Nirvana make a comeback. What ever happened to those guys, huh? They seemed like a happy-go-lucky gang.

You know what else I’d like to see come back from the 90s: That woman I sent back in time to win a bunch of money for me betting on sporting events. What was her name again? Oh yea… Courtney Love. Wherever she is, I hope she’s OK.

JOE LYONS: Sorry, Brad.  All of that money you wanted to bet for you went up her nose.  And I’m not even making a drug reference.  She got so desperate to feel something she jammed actual money up her nose.

I’d be for most of those things, but mainly I’m afraid of my flannel allergy picking up again should grunge come back.  If there’s one thing from the 90s that I NEED to come back it’s Mystery Science Theater 3000.  If there’s one thing we should all agree on stopping, it’s all of the the child actors from Home Improvement.  Sorry, JTT, but your face angers me for some reason.

Luckily for you, Joe, his transformation to Val Kilmer is nearly complete.

SECOND TOPIC!  Kristen Stewart, America’s favorite wooden-faced ingenue, is now one of the highest paid “actors” IN THE WORLD.  You’ve been put in charge of directing her in her next non-Twilight movie.  How IN THE NAME OF GOD do you get her to emote anything?

FRED BETZNER: Peanut butter smeared on her gums. It worked for Mr. Ed.

“Ooooohhh, they didn’t put it on my gums, Freddy. NEEEIEIEIEIIIIIGHGGGGHHHH!”

JIVE TURKEY: I’d make everyone’s life easier by just re-writing the script so that she slips into a coma within the first five minutes of the film. And then I’d hire Mr. Ed. Have you ever seen that horse do Pinter? Powerful stuff.

BRAD STEPHENSON: I always heard they stuck something up Mr. Ed’s ass to make him talk. Was anything I learned growing up NOT a lie?

As for K-Stew, maybe just have the horse kick her instead?

FRED BETZNER: No Brad, you’re thinking of Lancelot Link Secret Chimp.

All the result of anal stimulation.

BRAD STEPHENSON: Oh wait… no. I was thinking of Lance Armstrong. He’s the one who had things stuck in his butt to help him perform, right?

JIVE TURKEY: No, no, no — you’re thinking of Lance crackers. You can only perform in the presence of Captain’s Wafers.

BRAD STEPHENSON: Not Captain’s Wafers… CAPTAIN Wafers, the retired sailor who rubs my back, spits rum on me, and sings songs about giant squids while I’m making love to a lady.

“I found this in your butt!”

JOE LYONS: Why are we doing this to ourselves?!  Mr. Ed has been dead for decades!

Personally, I would only shoot at night after she falls asleep and have a couple of guys in green screen suits work her like a Weekend at Bernie’s style puppet.  Little to no butt-stuff required.

FINAL ISSUE! It’s hot outside. WHY OH WHY IS IT SO HOT?!  Give me one tip and or trick to beat the heat.

BRAD STEPHENSON: I can rent out my sailor buddy, Captain Wafers, to spit rum on you.

“Alright, if you aren’t gonna’ eat it, I will.”

FRED BETZNER: NO! The ambient temperature is too hot! IT WILL IGNITE AND TURN JOE INTO DARKMAN!!!

BRAD STEPHENSON: I’m so sorry, Joe.

‎”Don’t look! I’ll be ready in a minute, I just have to go put my face on!”*

JOE LYONS: EARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!! JULIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

FRED BETZNER: I’d pay $5 to watch you dance.

On the plus side you cannot feel pain, and therefore are no longer uncomfortable in all this heat.

JOE LYONS: True, but now I’ve got all of this extra crazy I don’t know what to do with…

JIVE TURKEY: What is it with guys bitching about the heat? Is this because it makes your balls uncomfortable? Well, I squeezed an entire person out of MY undercarriage. Deal with it.

BRAD STEPHENSON: Yes, but you did that in an air conditioned room.

JOE LYONS: Don’t be mad just because you’re jealous that we’ve got the common sense to keep our genitalia on the outside of our bodies.

JIVE TURKEY:

JOE LYONS: {starts running}

FRED BETZNER: This is what happens to our balls when it’s this hot out! Check out this story about Wesley Warren, Jr., the man with the 100-pound scrotum.

You don’t think this guy would trade you his giant nuts for an episiotomy? HE CAN’T EVEN GET A JOB!

BRAD STEPHENSON: So… we meet again, Hamster Man. You may have defeated me once with your giant scrotum, but it won’t happen again!!!

I think we’re done here.

But YOU don’t have to be done, dear reader. Continue the discussion by leaving a comment below. What 90s things would you like to see make a comeback? Is it hot enough for ya’? How big is your scrotum?!

*Darkman caption provided by reader Jeanine. Follow us on Facebook to get in on this shit.

Tags: 100-pound scrotum, Arsenio Hall, Captain Wafers, featured, roundtable, RoundTable Thursday, the 90s

About the Author

Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.

Related Posts

My God, What Have We Done: The Best Of Act Classy 2012 →

RoundTable Thursday, January 10, 2012: Resolutions, White House Sharts, and Bieber Intervention →

Debt Ceiling News: Republicans Apparently Unclear on The Way Money Works →

Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Brent Musburger Loves the Ladies! →