RoundTable Thursday Dingo

Published on June 14th, 2012 | by Jive Turkey

2

RoundTable Thursday, June 14, 2012: A Dingo Ate My Olympics!

At first, there was darkness.  And then, suddenly, there was RoundTable Thursday!
 

We’re paraphrasing, but we’re pretty sure God said that.

 JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: ITEM ONE! At long last, after 32 years of Australian investigating, Lindy Chamberlain has been cleared of wrongdoing after the official proclamation that, yes, a dingo really did eat her baby. You are now that dingo’s defense attorney.  What’s your strategy in what will soon be the Outback’s trial of the century?  STATE YOUR CASE!

 jiveturkeyThumbJIVE TURKEY: My client will swiftly be cleared of all wrongdoing when it comes to light that the Chamberlain baby looked exactly like a Bloomin’ Onion. HOW WAS MY CLIENT TO RESIST, YOUR HONOR?!

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: “Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please allow me to call to the stand my first witness… Australian film legend Mr. Paul Hogan.”

{plays a Men at Work song on the didgeridoo}

“No further questions. I think we can call it a day. Or should I say, ‘G’day’?”

 MGMMOLLY MARTIN: This is what they get for having their babies upside down.  I rest my case.

 

 fbetznerFRED BETZNER: “Your honor, if this jury is not permitted to hear the testimony of Nip-Nip the Koala tailor and hear his tale of a Dingo suit sized for a particularly unsavory looking Bunyip, well…I just hope you can find some way to sleep at night!”

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: {Ahem}

Ladies and Gentleman of the Stiggywumpallypeepuss (that’s Australian for “jury”), my client, Jiffy McMouthdaggers, is a simple dingo.  A noble, proud animal who could not have, in any way, perpetrated the alleged baby-eating.  Throughout the course of the Jizzwackit (Australian for “trial”), we will prove beyond a shadow of a whippynippyduckduck, that my client was not only nowhere near the Chamberlain baby, but that he is incapable of such a heinous coochchunder.   Truly this is a case of “if the gloves don’t stiggyslap, then you must ippygibgibsnippysnuck.”

{applause}

SECOND TOPIC!!!  Apparently, nowadays, you are much safer juggling live hand grenades in Syria while speaking ill of the government than you are walking in the city of Chicago.  Clearly now, more than ever before, we need to reactivate the Robocop program.  As you all know, Robocop’s first three Prime Directives are to:
  1. Serve the Public Trust
  2. Protect the Innocent
  3. Uphold the law
OCP is going to let YOU pick the fourth Prime Directive.  NAME THAT DIRECTIVE.
 

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: 4. Dance the night away.

 

fbetznerFRED BETZNER: 4. Name that tune.

 

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: I wanna change mine! Prime directive #4: Shampoo my crotch.

 

jiveturkeyThumbJIVE TURKEY: 4. Your Mom.

 

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: Wait! I want to change mine again! 4. Screw you, Jive Turkey.

 

jiveturkeyThumbJIVE TURKEY: I want to change mine: 4. SOUL PATROL!

 

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: Seriously, f$&* Taylor Hicks. AMIRITE, everybody?

 

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: Yeah!  What’s he done for anyone?  Nothing!  I’m going grey and he has, in no way, made that cooler!
 
 

He has, however, made facial paralysis cooler.

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: Prime Directive #4: Kicks the Hicks.
 
 
 
bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: I’m only going bald. But my pubic hair is going gray, and sometimes I pretend my penis is Taylor Hicks. 
 These RoundTable things aren’t made public, right?
 
 

 JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: FINAL TOPIC!  Soon the Olympics will be here and it’ll be the only dang thing on TV.  Choose one sport and make it more interesting FOR GOD’S SAKES!!!!

 
bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: Swimming. Fuel on the surface of the pool. Set the water on fire. Dare you to come up for air, Michael Phelps.

 

jiveturkeyThumbJIVE TURKEY: Actual horse used instead of pommel horse. Not that it would make the event any more challenging, but at least it would give us all something pretty to look at in order to distract from all those dudes’ weird packages in their weird tight pommel pants.

Why are we rewarding this?

 fbetznerFRED BETZNER: What’s the most exciting thing that can happen during the Olympics? Breaking records. What’s the most efficient way to get athletes to move faster? Rabid wolverines on rocket skates.

Terrifying.

 bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: I thought the most exciting thing that can happen during the Olympics is breaking legs.

 

fbetznerFRED BETZNER: I’m sorry, I should have said most exciting thing that can happen if you don’t feed on the suffering of others. I assume that instead of the Olympics you’ll just be watching Munich on repeat just like four years ago?

 MGMMOLLY MARTIN:Four words:  human targets in archery.

Three more words:  Logan’s Run redux.  I mean, those athletes getting their last bite at the apple because they’re turning 27? Why not truly make it the last bite?

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: I would attempt to come up with a funny answer, but I just realized that I equated Robocop with Chicago earlier, when he actually lives in Detroit. I’m too disappointed in myself to do anything right now…
 

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: How did I not catch this and call you out earlier? You know what this means, don’t you? You have to move to Detroit now.

 

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: I’d buy that for a dollar.

 

 
bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: It’s too late, Joe. Give it up.
 
 
 
JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: DICK JONES!!!!  DICK JONESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
 
 

Too little, too late, Joe. I know one OCP senior president who’s going to be crying into his ED-209 enforcement droid tonight.

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About the Author

Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.


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  • SuzyQuzey

    The Olympic fire water idea would work better with the synchronized swimmers, Brad. Lots more flailing. And, who doesn’t love a good flail?

    • http://www.twitter.com/bstephenson Brad Stephenson

      Well, what you’re proposing just seems like murder. Are you saying murder should be an Olympic sport? I’ll sign a petition if you have one.

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