The Fourth of July Is Independence (From Dignity) Day!
Mmmmm, you smell that? That scent carried in by the wind there? It’s the car exhaust from people driving across state borders to smuggle explosive illegal contraband back to their homes so they can light it on fire and ruminate on the nature of freedom. You know what that means, don’t you? That’s right America: it’s almost Independence Day!
Ahhhh, the Fourth of July! Fireworks, cook-outs, me screaming in terror that the sparkler I’m holding will set me on fire and burn me horribly.
Did you not see Darkman?! IT IS A CAUTIONARY TALE!!!
On July 4, 1776, this nation’s founding fathers gathered together in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and signed the Declaration of Independence, announcing their intention to form a sovereign government free from the tyranny of the British Empire. Therefore, every year on that date, we celebrate their courageous act of rebellion by declaring that we love our country as loudly and with as little dignity as we possibly can.
Seriously, the entire Revolutionary War was not as loud as any given city’s fireworks display.
But whether out of some kind of super-love for the USA or just a desperate need for attention, some of my fellow citizens take their proclamations of country-lovin’ a bit too far. For instance, let’s look at the hats. Our country has a rich history of patriotic haberdashery; take Uncle Sam…
…PLEASE!
Now without the hat.
Just take the picture and post it online, Cheryl! No, I will NOT look stupid!
Loses something in the process, no? Alright, so what has this taught us?
Hats = America.
Great! So it therefore follows that:
Hats + Flag Colors + American Ingenuity =
!!!AMERICA F*@ # YEAH!!!
No!
Not so much. Look, I understand that you love your country so much that the idea of people mocking you on the Internet doesn’t bother you. Nor should it. Let your idiot flag fly. But think of what you’re doing to the children!
Somebody call Gordon Freeman, we have a situation here.
Look, Jelly Fish Hatting is the new Bath Salts, and it is a real problem in our high schools. The last thing we should be encouraging children to do is absorb jelly fish venom through their scalp to slip into a hallucinogenic dreamscape where they transcend all time and space. So please, Peace Sign Hat Douche, chill your s#*! out.
Also, stupid hat makers of America, please stop trying to give people heatstroke!
Custom made for Dennis Rodman.
You know, for those 40 degree July days. When I’m always so cold. And I need a FURRY HAT!!! But really, all the people wearing flag hats, flag bikinis, flag jock straps — they wear this crap for one day and then forget about it for the rest of the year. True patriots wear their love for their country FOREVER!
Not only does he bleed Red White and Blue, his musculature is made of FLAGS!
Yeah, bitches! The only way–and I mean ONLY WAY–to prove once and for all that you love your country more than anyone else EVER!!! is to permanently add it to your flesh.
Back fat is technically optional, but can you really call yourself an American without it?
And obviously, the more real estate covered, the more your love your country.
Your move, Tea Party.
You may not know this, but that girl is actually the real constitution. They only made paper versions ’cause they were easier to hang on walls.
Now, this is all about freedom of expression, and I know I’m kind of making a bit of fun here, but I actually do think it’s great that we can wear whatever we want and permanently inscribe stuff onto our bodies without fear of persecution (aside from dicks on the Internet).
And I think it’s important to remember that we still have fellow citizens who are fighting for their own freedom. I’m of course referring to our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. And I think sometimes we need to be reminded that–like everyone else in this country–they have the right to make whatever they want out of completely ridiculous fabric and wear it proudly this 4th of July.
I’m pretty sure this is what Glenn Beck sees when he imagines the Founding Fathers.
This fabric print is available at your local Jo-Anne Fabrics, and is perfectly suited for making a pair of Jams shorts or a banana hammock. But please, before your run out and pick up between 68 and 70 yards, ask yourself if it’s really necessary. Perhaps it would be better to show your patriotism like your gay forebears instead of draping yourselves in the tacky fashions of today.
Zero f@*#s given. Many f@*#s received.
Okay, nevermind. Everybody go crazy.
USA! USA! USA!
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
Related Posts
My God, What Have We Done: The Best Of Act Classy 2012 →
RoundTable Thursday, January 10, 2012: Resolutions, White House Sharts, and Bieber Intervention →
Debt Ceiling News: Republicans Apparently Unclear on The Way Money Works →
Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Brent Musburger Loves the Ladies! →
-
SuzyQuzey
