Published on June 28th, 2012 | by Fred Betzner1
The Fourth of July Is Independence (From Dignity) Day!
Mmmmm, you smell that? That scent carried in by the wind there? It’s the car exhaust from people driving across state borders to smuggle explosive illegal contraband back to their homes so they can light it on fire and ruminate on the nature of freedom. You know what that means, don’t you? That’s right America: it’s almost Independence Day!
Ahhhh, the Fourth of July! Fireworks, cook-outs, me screaming in terror that the sparkler I’m holding will set me on fire and burn me horribly.
On July 4, 1776, this nation’s founding fathers gathered together in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and signed the Declaration of Independence, announcing their intention to form a sovereign government free from the tyranny of the British Empire. Therefore, every year on that date, we celebrate their courageous act of rebellion by declaring that we love our country as loudly and with as little dignity as we possibly can.
But whether out of some kind of super-love for the USA or just a desperate need for attention, some of my fellow citizens take their proclamations of country-lovin’ a bit too far. For instance, let’s look at the hats. Our country has a rich history of patriotic haberdashery; take Uncle Sam…
Now without the hat.
Loses something in the process, no? Alright, so what has this taught us?
Hats = America.
Great! So it therefore follows that:
Hats + Flag Colors + American Ingenuity =
!!!AMERICA F*@ # YEAH!!!
Not so much. Look, I understand that you love your country so much that the idea of people mocking you on the Internet doesn’t bother you. Nor should it. Let your idiot flag fly. But think of what you’re doing to the children!
Look, Jelly Fish Hatting is the new Bath Salts, and it is a real problem in our high schools. The last thing we should be encouraging children to do is absorb jelly fish venom through their scalp to slip into a hallucinogenic dreamscape where they transcend all time and space. So please, Peace Sign Hat Douche, chill your s#*! out.
Also, stupid hat makers of America, please stop trying to give people heatstroke!
You know, for those 40 degree July days. When I’m always so cold. And I need a FURRY HAT!!! But really, all the people wearing flag hats, flag bikinis, flag jock straps — they wear this crap for one day and then forget about it for the rest of the year. True patriots wear their love for their country FOREVER!
Yeah, bitches! The only way–and I mean ONLY WAY–to prove once and for all that you love your country more than anyone else EVER!!! is to permanently add it to your flesh.
And obviously, the more real estate covered, the more your love your country.
You may not know this, but that girl is actually the real constitution. They only made paper versions ’cause they were easier to hang on walls.
Now, this is all about freedom of expression, and I know I’m kind of making a bit of fun here, but I actually do think it’s great that we can wear whatever we want and permanently inscribe stuff onto our bodies without fear of persecution (aside from dicks on the Internet).
And I think it’s important to remember that we still have fellow citizens who are fighting for their own freedom. I’m of course referring to our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. And I think sometimes we need to be reminded that–like everyone else in this country–they have the right to make whatever they want out of completely ridiculous fabric and wear it proudly this 4th of July.
This fabric print is available at your local Jo-Anne Fabrics, and is perfectly suited for making a pair of Jams shorts or a banana hammock. But please, before your run out and pick up between 68 and 70 yards, ask yourself if it’s really necessary. Perhaps it would be better to show your patriotism like your gay forebears instead of draping yourselves in the tacky fashions of today.
Okay, nevermind. Everybody go crazy.
USA! USA! USA!