Being a writer for a website ON THE INTERNET OF ALL PLACES, you usually find yourself entitled to a certain number of perks.  Fame, respect, the knowledge that every word you type does, in fact, re-sculpt the fabric of reality as you let people know the real truth behind the fact that we should all love Gymkata.

But I digress.  The point I was originally trying to make is that, when you write for a website, you can usually score some free crap.  So, I was thrilled when I found out that I, Joe “Nerd Alert” Lyons, was getting free passes to an advanced screening of The Amazing Spider-Man!!!  That’s right!  There’s a new Spider-Man movie coming out next week and I got to see it before all of you suckers!

Now, if you’ve seen the commercials, you know that The Amazing Spider-Man promises to deliver the “untold story” of Spider-Man’s origin.  And BOY OH BOY does this film deliver!  There are so many twists and turns that everything you thought you knew about Spider-Man is going to be blown out the back of your skull like some sort of skull-exploding nightmare.  There’s so much to this movie that I’m easily able to pick my top 17 favorite revelations that this film delivers.  There be spoilers ahead, so consider yourself warned.  So now, I proudly present to you The Top 17 Secret Spoilers from The Amazing Spider-Man!

• 1. Peter Parker’s photography experience comes primarily from naked pictures he takes of himself with Instagram.
• 2. The radioactive genetically-altered spider that bites Peter is voiced by Eddie Murphy.
• 3 . Emma Stone, in a nod to fans and their distaste of Spider-Man 3, tears Kirsten Dunst’s still beating heart out of her rib cage and eats it adorably.
• 4. The Lizard steals the movie with his awesome catchphrase, “Ain’t need to hidey!  Imma eat you Spidey!”
• 5.  Additional spider powers we have not seen before: drinks blood of flies for strength, can fall slowly if he spreads out his arms, can rip off own wiener for additional fighting strength.
• 6.  Turns out that Peter Parker’s parents are actually Bruce and Martha Wayne.  Uncle Ben kept it from him, since his cousin Alfred warned him about what a pill it turned Peter’s secret brother Bruce into.
• 7. All of the kids will be doing the Spider-Shuffle come prom season.
• 8. In an effective marketing push, featured in the movie will be the Spider-Mobile, the Spider-Jet, the Spider-Hydrofoil, and the Spider-Spider, a mechanical spider the size of 10 billion spiders that can out-spider all of the spiders.  Spider.
• 9. Spider-Man’s legendary wisecracks are in place, but they now show a surprising amount of racism towards the Inuit people.
• 10. A sequel is DEFINITELY in the works, because–instead of end credits–it’s just a gigantic webbed question mark for 15 minutes over music.
• 11. Uncle Ben, in a change from continuity, is killed by irresponsibly stealing power from an unsecured electric company transformer.
• 12.  Spider-Man spends most of Act Two with an inner-ear imbalance.
• 13. The chemistry between Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone?  Electrifying.  The chemistry between Martin Sheen and Sally Field?  Downright pornographic.
• 14. Peter’s invention of webshooters is a byproduct of his attempt to invent an EXTREME way to use his nerd-strength asthma inhaler.
• 15. Spider-Man’s accidental release of spider pheromones leads to an unfortunate scene with Dennis Leary.
• 16. Heartbreaking moment when Spider-Man’s Avengers application is turned down, due to the fact that he used a blue pen.
• 17 . The webs come out of a much more anatomically embarrassing (yet spider-accurate) place…and by all of that, I mean his butt.

Pumped for this movie?  Well, you should be!  Have any predictions about the spoilers from The Amazing Spider-Man that I didn’t reveal?  Leave them in our classy comment box below!