Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Apple’s Other Announcements!
We here at Act Classy like to pride ourselves on how in-touch we are with the pulse of technology. Fred updates you with tech news, Brad continues to tirelessly repair the website after I have made countless attempts to break it, and, just last week, I went over John Malkovich’s terrifying iPhone commercial where Siri talked him out of murdering all of the people in his basement. So when it comes to tech, we’re with it.
Where’s the button that makes the Internet download?!
Well, this week was Apple’s big WWDC conference where they announce all of the things coming up this year that they will be demanding money from you for so that you may enjoy them. There were announcements like sharper displays and upgraded operating systems, but did you know that there’s plenty of upcoming offerings from Apple that they didn’t have time to announce at the show? You didn’t?! Oh, you. You’re so dumb. You’re lucky you’ve got your friends at Act Classy. Thanks to some insider info from a friend of ours…let’s call him Steve J….
Too soon.
…we’re able to give you all of the info you haven’t heard yet! So, without further ado, here’s the Top 17 Things Coming Up for Apple That They Haven’t Announced Yet!
1. Apple’s new Terms of Service agreement allows them to name any daughter you have Siri should they deem her Siri-like.
2. Battery lasts four times longer while your debit card drains four times faster.
3. New Mountain Lion operating system able to shame you based upon your jeans tightness.
4. Your iPhone will sterilize you if you say the word “android.”
5. You won’t get an inflated sense of self-worth unless you buy the 64GB iPad.
6. iPhone has to gestate in your chest cavity for 24 hours like in Alien.
7. New iPad has resolution so high, that if you look at a picture of yourself, you’ll be trapped in a Narcissus-stlye nightmare until you die of starvation.
8 – All iOS devices are now Facebook friendly. They are also delivered to you safely wrapped in useless Facebook stock.
9. MacBook delivers an electrical shock to anyone else in the coffee shop who appears to be writing a similar screenplay to yours.
10. New bargain phone program consisting of affordable iPhones that are cobbled together from the spare parts of the phones of MURDERERS!!!!
11. Siri now remembers everything you say and judges you accordingly.
12. All desktop Macs now come preloaded with the movie you’ll never finish editing.
13. Three-year contract comes with free turtleneck.
14 . Your new iPad forces you to wait in line with a bunch of hipsters while you wait for it to boot up every day.
15. We’ll get the iPhone 5 in the fall. Next March, you’ll be get the opportunity to pay $500 for someone to attach a little “s” sticker to your device for an upgrade you’ll never use.
16. New Maps app, with turn-by-turn directions, will always assume you’re a bike messenger in Manhattan regardless of where you are.
17. Your Instapaper posts will synch up with your iCloud across all of your iDevices to create a unique singularity so infinite you’ll iS*^t your iPants.
Are you prepared to “think differently”? Didn’t think so. Have any other wishes related to how you want Apple to run your life? Leave them in our comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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