Act Classy’s Action Hero Sidekick Discussion Group!
JOE LYONS - Hello, good morning, and thank you for tuning in. My name is Joe “Utility Belt” Lyons and this is Act Classy’s Action Hero Sidekick Discussion Weekly. We have an especially interesting discussion today and, as you all know, any interesting discussion requires our usual assembly of guests. To my left is the junior protector of Gotham City, Robin, sidekick to Batman.
ROBIN – Hiya!
JOE LYONS - Next to him, we have a precocious yellow Volkswagen, also known as the Autobot, Bumblebee, sidekick to Optimus Prime.
BUMBLEBEE – Greetings.
JOE LYONS - Next on my left is a soothsayer and wizard from Eternia. Please welcome Orko, sidekick to He-Man, the agreed upon “master” of the universe.
ORKO – Thanks for having me!
JOE LYONS - Now on my immediate right, we have a newcomer to the program. We were originally going to have Jonathan Brandis from the film, Sidekicks, but the woman on the other end of the phone said I was an “awful person” and “not to call again.”
Insensitive.
JOE LYONS - So instead, please say hello to Tonto, sidekick to the Lone Ranger.
TONTO – How.
JOE LYONS - How indeed. Next to Tonto, is Gabrielle, the sexually confused sidekick to Xena, Warrior Princess.
GABRIELLE – How’s it goin’?
JOE LYONS - Swell, thank you. And finally on the right, as always, from the Thundercats, is Snarf.
SNARF – Snarf! Good Snarfy snarf!
JOE LYONS - HAHAHA! Priceless. Anyway, on to tonight’s discussion: sidekicking. In this day and age of modern weaponry and evil fighting technology, do you feel it’s responsible of action heroes to bring in young, inexperienced, and sometimes racially offensive aspiring action heroes. This is, after all, a dangerous profession and wouldn’t it be easier to have some sort of trained animal or a handgun instead of a brightly colored screaming target?
ROBIN – I think that’s ridiculous. We provide a service. We’re companions and we help when we’re needed.
GABRIELLE – Companions. Yeah. I’m hearing you on that.
TONTO – White man say he help give back land if me help him fight crime. How come me never see land? What? Tonto just shoot arrow for sake of shooting arrow? Hell no.
ORKO – Don’t be silly! Where would the heroes be without us to aid in their rescuing with our spells and such?
JOE LYONS – Typically, it’s you guys who are being rescued.
{Silence}
BUMBLEBEE – Jump up my tailpipe.
SNARF – Snarf! Well that’s an unfair generalsnarfization!
GABRIELLE – Heh. Tailpipe.
JOE LYONS- I just think that…
{Knock at door}
ROBIN – OH GOD IT’S THE JOKER!!!
JOE LYONS - No it’s just…
ORKO – WE’RE GONNA DIE! WE’RE GONNA DIE!!
SNARF – SNARF! WHERE’S LION-O?! SOMEBODY SNARF LION-O!!!
JOE LYONS - It’s just the pizza I ordered for after the show. I thought you guys were all fans of pizza.
BUMBLEBEE – AHHH! I’m getting out of here! I just got a new weatherproof paint job!
{Transforms into car. Drives through wall}
JOE LYONS - Guys, please, calm down.
ROBIN – Oh God. I’ll just pre-tie myself to this chair. OK? Nobody hit me.
TONTO – Tonto scared! Navajo instincts kicking in.
SNARF – Snar…!
{Tonto starts skinning Snarf with bowie knife}
JOE LYONS- Oh God! Tonto, no! Don’t do that!
ORKO – This is it! I’m not gonna die a virgin! AIEEE!!!
{Hovers towards Gabrielle}
GABRIELLE – Whatever. Let’s just do it before whoever’s on the other side of that door…
JOE LYONS - …the pizza guy…
GABRIELLE – …locks me up and puts me in a bikini or something.
ORKO – OH BOY! He-Man’s gonna be proud. Internal genitalia don’t fail me now!
TONTO - Snarf is delicious.
JOE LYONS - Tonto! Stop eating my guests! I’m going to be sick…
ROBIN – OK! I’m all tied up and frightened…Oh, Lord, I just crapped my Speedo….
JOE LYONS – EW! So it is a Speedo…
PIZZA GUY – OK, that’s gonna be fourteen…AAAH! That Mexican is eating a rat!
JOE LYONS - He’s actually a Navajo and he’s eating a sna…yeah, it’s a rat.
PIZZA GUY – {Vomits}
JOE LYONS- Well…I can actually safely say that this is pretty much the most productive Act Classy’s Action Hero Sidekick Discussion Weekly we’ve had yet.
ROBIN – {Sobbing} Someone untie me!
TONTO – How come Tonto no have mask?! TONTO WANT MASK!
ORKO – Mmmm, there is something to this sex thing! Was it good for you?
GABRIELLE – Nope.
SNARF – {Gurgling noises as life escapes his body}
BUMBLEBEE – {Car alarm going off in distance}
JOE LYONS- Fantastic. Well, I remain Act Classy’s Joe Lyons, and for myself and all of our panelists, good night, good luck, and please be good to your sidekicks…they’re jumpy.
{Applause}
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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